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I've been avoiding writing another post because I'm not back on the weight loss wagon, and I have absolutely nothing new to say. I can't handle writing another tedious post about how I have no motivation, keep trying but don't stick to it, blah blah. Weight loss is so monotonous, even when I'm failing at it.

So I just decided to post this to remind myself that I'm still here, and hanging on for the day when everything falls into place again.

Back (sort of)

I'm back from holidays, but absolutely not back to dieting.

We had a great time in Europe, but after the first few days where I managed to remain pretty conscious of what I was eating, I slowly slipped if to full on holiday mode free for all. I didn't skip a single meal. In fact, I usually had multi course meals. I did none of my planned fasting periods. I leapt at any opportunity to indulge my gluttony, even when I wasn't that hungry. My eating habits were wildly out of control by the time I got back, I haven't reined them in at all - if anything, they've gotten worse. I got off the plane and scarfed a family size bag of chips and a block of chocolate within about 3 hours of being back home. I am trying not to beat myself up about it as I know that's not productive, but I do feel a bit hopeless. And even then, the motivation to improve is just nowhere in sight. I haven't weighed myself - perhaps that will shock me into action? I just can't muster up interest in planing nice meals or cooking or any of that lot. Calorie counting seems painfully tedious. Fasting seems completely impossible. And yet I have to get back to it! I just don't know how to get out of this embarrassingly cliched cycle of always resolving that the diet starts tomorrow!

In non diet related news, while I was on holiday I got an offer to go to a conference for a bit of paid work - hurrah! So that little stint did wonders for my mood and confidence. I am wrapping up the work this week and hopefully there may be some more to come from that.

Before I arrived there, I was googling the other attendees and when I saw a photo of one of them I felt pure physical relief at the realisation that I would not be the fattest person there. What a miserable thought, and a miserable way to live. I must get past this, buckle down, and get back on the diet track.

On clothes and canine affection (among other things)

Weigh-in this week: 85.3kgs

Down over 2kgs! Very happy with my progress although not very happy with the super expensive scales that gave me 3 different readings - I got on and off 5 times. It seems to change depending on my posture/centre of gravity. I got 85.4, 85.2, and 85.3, so I'm just splitting the difference.

I did two fast days in a row this week which I'm not anxious to repeat. In fact I struggled a bit on day 2 and ended up at 585 calories, but I'm not going to worry about that. Planning another fast day tomorrow as I'll be on a plane most of the day. I'm actually being very organised and making some pumpkin falafel that I'll take with me to eat instead of plane food.

We packed off our dog to holiday camp (ie boarding kennels) this morning and he seemed thrilled to bits to leave us, which made me almost jealous! Although obviously I'm very happy he enjoys it there. I'm very needy when it comes to animal affection though - I adore animals and as is always the way, I'm never the one they seem to cling to - our dog loves H the most by far, even though I'm spending all day every day with him, taking him on walks etc. My family cat pesters my mother for all his basic needs, wakes her up at 5am to be fed, and then goes back to bed and snuggles up against my oblivious dad. You do have to play hard to get with animals I feel.

This morning unencumbered by dog walking duties I did a bit of a wardrobe clean out - or started it anyway. Got rid of a whole bunch of stuff to donate and also put into storage some of the too small clothes that were sitting there accusingly in my cupboard. I feel much better about the idea that they're tucked out of sight. I'll try to do the rest this afternoon after my falafel making venture, although I also have to pack, since we leave early tomorrow and tonight I'm off to see David Sedaris! Very excited about that. He's doing a book signing after his show but I don't think I'll stay for that - mainly just because of the time it would take, but I also feel like I wouldn't know what to do if I actually met a celebrity in the flesh. I can't understand those people who chase them down for photos to be honest - how awkward.

Anyway, It's been a good week overall so far and I'm feeling positive. Let's hope I can ride this wave of happiness for a while!

Plans for the week

Not the best tactic for getting back on the dieting wagon, but I went out to lunch today. I fear I overdid it a bit - yes, the idea of the 5:2 diet is that you can have the occasional indulgence/meal out but that doesn't mean I should have ordered three courses or partaken quite so enthusiastically of the petit fours that came with coffee. I realise my goal of losing around 1kg a week is rather too optimistic. Which is a shame, because even despite having noticeably lost weight (noticeable to me, it's not visible to others yet) I looked and felt as dumpy and unfashionable as possible at lunch today. I'm so sick of spending money on, and desperately cobbling together, outfits that still make me feel crap. But I've had a whinge about that before so I should just shut my mouth and get on with it.

I haven't weighed myself for a while now, and I keep putting it off because I want to choose the exact right time - not after a fast day when it's artificially low, but not after a big meal out. I know that's all a bit ridiculous - I should just be looking at overall trends - so I've decided that I definitely have to weigh myself on Thursday, before I go on holiday, and that's that.

I've realised I'll have to forego dinner tonight given my huge lunch and the bad couple of days last week, and I'm also trying to fast two days in a row from Monday. I don't have much planned for Monday or Tuesday, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad, vis a vis ease of fasting. I've decided to schedule 3 meals a day which I do find a little easier than having 1 or 2 bigger ones. I won't get the supposed health benefits that accrue from fasting periods, but I think for weight loss it's just the calorie restriction that counts the most. Anyway, meal plans as follows:

Monday
Breakfast - boiled egg and tea
Lunch - boiled egg, sliver of cheese
Dinner - chicken with yogurt, saffron, and lemon (from the Persiana cookbook, an impulse purchase last week - everything in it looks lovely)

Tuesday
Breakfast - boiled egg and tea
Lunch - broccoli soup
Dinner - chicken with paprika, fennel seeds, broad beans and leeks.

A lot of chicken seems to be consumed on fasting days which is a little dull (especially since it's chicken breast) but it's a good low cal filling option.

I really, really hope the scales are kind to me on Thursday. I'll have to buckle down and do my best to help them along.

Positive thinking

I managed my fast day today, with relatively little difficulty. I think my overwhelming feeling is just relief, that I managed to get back on the wagon. Partly it was easy because I woke up still feeling stuffed and slightly ill. But also, I think, because the fast day limits my choices so severely. Often after a binge or slide off the rails the question of what to eat can feel so loaded, so immense, it's almost overwhelming. When you've only got 500 calories to play with, I just default to one of my usual small number of options. Or maybe I got back on track because I still have a bit of determination to lose this bloody weight. Whatever it is, I'm not exactly feeling good about the whole debacle, or even overly optimistic about the future, but I'm feeling calmer, and I've managed to draw a line under it, which in itself is a godsend.

I've still been cringingly reliving my awful interview and exam on an almost hourly basis. But at least I've managed today to cope in a relatively normal way. 

Once more...

The downward trend continues, and sadly I'm not speaking of my weight.

To top off my atrocious job interview yesterday, today I sat and failed an exam. I can re-sit in a couple of months, but it still put a huge dampener on the day and my somewhat fragile mood and ego took a beating. Rather than sensibly taking yesterday's experience as a warning/lesson, I dove head first into a pack of biscuits, some wine, a big oily pasta, a huge wodge of cake (I did throw the rest away at least) and ice cream. God knows how far over my calories I went! Feeling quite miserable now, especially since the items in question weren't even that enjoyable! What a waste. I've been thinking recently how I've wasted so many calories/kilos gained in my life on food that just wasn't that good! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I think the only thing to do is just get back on the wagon with a strict fast day tomorrow (even more needed since I've only done one this week). Perhaps that way I can at least fend off weight gain, but so much for my pre holiday weight loss goals.

Sigh. Onward weightloss soldiers, I guess.

Old habits

Oh dear... I've been doing so well. And thinking just last night that maybe this is sticking.
However I've just had the most god awful job interview... I wasn't that prepared, and then I was inarticulate and in those "tell me about a time when..." Questions, I used hopeless and incredibly  long-winded, unflattering examples rather than perfectly apt good examples (in fewer words).

They did not sound impressed. There were numerous silences. And this was a job I really liked the sound of...

Off the phone and within 20 minutes I've had a cocktail, a mini packet of chips, a bag of Cadbury buttons, and 3 biscuits.

Time to deploy the Latrice Royale 5 Gs: GOOD GOD GIRL GET A GRIP

Weigh-in

I think I spoke to soon about the steady weight loss - today I had a 0.5kg gain! Extremely dispiriting. Saturday I did eat and drink way too much but my calories over the course of the week still averaged out at 1500/day. Am I kidding myself if I try to reassure myself it's just water weight? I really, really wanted to see an 86 on the scale this morning.

Today is supposed to be my fast day but I made lunch plans, thinking I could just fast tomorrow. I forgot that I also had dinner plans tomorrow. I can't fast Friday either which leaves me with Wednesday and Thursday (I really don't want to fast on the weekend if possible). I'm tossing up trying to have 1 proper fast day and 2 1000 calorie days, or just try to be hardcore and do the two fast days in a row. Perhaps I'll see how things go today.

Perhaps I'll weigh myself again tomorrow, too. 

Mildly tipsy

About to leave for this hens night do for my friend's fiancée. Have had some realisations:

(1) there is nothing more depressing than getting overexcited about weight loss and optimistically trying on small sized clothes that clearly need much more weight loss to fit into
(2) it is so depressing that the threshold for an outfit I leave the house in is basically "it fits". I used to love clothes! God, I wish I could get back to that point.
(3) tiny apartments are not built for fat induced clothes anxiety. I have torn out everything from my cupboards and it's all over the bloody floor
(4) a pre-dinner bourbon to take the edge off walking into a room of strangers will lead to overly confessional blog posts. But hey, I love overly confessional blog posts. Maybe this will score me a readership of more than 2. (Hi Lesley and Seren!)

Getting somewhere

Something strange is happening. I seem to actually be losing weight, consistently. I haven't had this good a streak of weight loss in years.

Today put me at 87.8, so I'm losing about 1kg per week, which in happy with. I'm sticking religiously to the fast days, and eating about 1500 calories on other days - except when I have a meal out or social occasion etc. Luckily we had a quiet week after getting back from Singapore so I was able to get back on track straight away. This Saturday however I have to go to the hen's night of a friend's fiancée. I like her fine, but I will only know one other person, and I'm not exactly looking forward to the occasion. Putting aside my usual anxiety about social situations with lots of new people, I also have to brave the closet gauntlet and find something appropriate to wear. However, the prospect of eating and drinking a large number of calories is, mercifully, not that high amongst my worries. This I think is the beauty of the 5:2 plan for me, since it seems that I really can just not worry about the odd blow-out. One day earlier this week, I just didn't seem to have the willpower to stick completely to plan so I had an extra snack, a cocktail, and a chocolate - but because I ended up around maintenance level for the day, it didn't bother me and send me into horrible guilt. I don't know how I would do if I was always eating my full allowance on the non-fast days, and I'm not quite ready to try that yet, but I hope I can get there at some point. My weight loss would presumably slow down but I do want to get into the habit of normal eating, which is a skill I haven't really had for a long time.

I remain anxious about losing more weight for upcoming trips, but that's pretty much my regular state of being. Trying not to obsess over it too much.

Meal plans for the rest of the week:

Wednesday
Breakfast - wholegrain muffin with labna, toasted sesame seeds, and smoked sea salt
Lunch - sourdough toast with smoked trout, pickled beetroot, walnuts, basil, drizzle of olive oil
Dinner - pasta with a "pesto" of goats cheese and kale

Might sneak a cheeky bag of cadbury chocolate buttons in too.

Thursday (fast day)
Breakfast - Fried eggs (one whole egg, one white only) with a tiny amount of cheese
Dinner - sweet and sour chicken (sauce made of tomato paste, sugar, vinegar, soy, shiaoxing rice wine, and cornflour) with onion and peppers

Friday
Breakfast - Omelet with truffle oil
Lunch - pasta with roasted peppers, anchovies, and goats cheese
Dinner - home made burgers (on English muffins for "low pointage" as I used to say on WW) with Harissa mayonnaise

Full steam ahead

I'm back from holidays, and have 3 weeks at home before I head off once again, back to Australia to visit family. It shouldn't be too hard to stay on track there but there is always more than the usual amount of socialising, celebrating, etc, and straight after Australia I head to Europe for another 3 and a bit weeks, so I have to make this next little bit of time really count.

I didn't do too badly in Singapore, but I didn't do as well as I hoped. I rarely refused dessert, did not manage to skip many meals (just breakfast on a couple of days) and ate too many unnecessary things (damn communal cheese plates!). I didn't do as much exercise as I intended either. However... It was not as bad as it could have been, and since willpower is a finite resource, I should let myself off the hook a little bit. I managed a fast day on the journey back, didn't too badly yesterday, and then today I'm onto my second fast day of the week. To manage to get back on track as soon as the holiday ended was a pretty big accomplishment for me, really. And I had a lovely and relaxing time - I really like Singapore, despite its dull reputation - so I should just enjoy the post holiday glow a bit more.

I haven't yet braved the scales, but may do so tomorrow. I'm really hoping for a loss, but have to make sure I don't overreact if I don't get one. I'm quite surprised at how easy I've found the fasting, to be honest. It does feel at the moment like this is something I could maintain for a fairly extended period of time, so I'm optimistic. I just have to make sure my optimism doesn't come with unrealistic expectations. I desperately want to lose weight before the Europe holiday and am kind of hoping I can drop a dress size, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't expect a miracle and I'm not going to suddenly wake up all beautiful and sylph-like. Even a dress size is a big ask, since it's probably at least 6 kilos away, and I've only 5 weeks to go. Perhaps I'll see what the scales say, and recalibrate my goals from there...

Greetings from Singapore

Hello from the worlds most orderly tropical holiday destination! It's  actually lovely to be here, so quiet and peaceful, plus the company of great friends is very welcome. I must say, though, dieting on holiday has proved trickier than I thought. I think I can work my way around it, but I don't think I'll be able to manage fast days. This has some serious implications for how I'm going to manage my month long European trip in October.

I made Wednesday a fast day because I was travelling and thought it would be easier, but it's by far the toughest one I've done yet. Maybe because I got up so early and was struggling on so little sleep, or maybe because there was a lot of sitting around. But I was seriously hungry for a lot of the day. Then when I arrived we went out to dinner at a French restaurant - I think you can imagine I did not stick to my remaining 380 odd calories. But overall I think I did ok. I had a third of a charcuterie plate with 2 small pieces of baguette, sole meunière with fried fennel, a spoonful of chocolate mousse and half a Madeleine. So I think in the end I would have at least come in around 1500 calories, which for the day, is not bad. So I think meal skipping, rather than proper fasting, might be the way to go. No breakfast this morning, and lunch was a turkey, Swiss cheese, and cranberry sauce sandwich. We're eating in tonight, something low key like a frittata, which is a godsend. Planning to eat leftovers of that (if there are any) for lunch tomorrow, then dinner is lamb shoulder or something along those lines - my friend's husband is cooking.

Next fast day is Tuesday, when we fly home. I won't be so sleep deprived then, so maybe it will be easier. In the meantime I'm trying to relax a bit (I spent far too long agonising over my lunch choices today, both before and afterwards) and enjoy myself. Planning on walking around some gardens, visiting a ceramics exhibition - the usual thrill rides.

Checking in

I got the results of my blood test back today, and all is normal. Phew! I've been in an absolute lather of worry about it since Friday, so it feels literally as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The up-side to this whole palaver (apart from not having diabetes, obviously) is that perhaps it portends a change in outlook. It's not as though I've not been aware of all the health problems I'm at risk of, and wanting to do something about it, it just hasn't seemed quite real.

Tomorrow I am travelling so I'm going to do my fast then instead of Thursday. Plan is for a small breakfast (Apple and coffee) at 7ish when I set off, then nothing until dinner. I am a bit worried about how I will navigate the next week - we're staying with friends who, like us, love a good meal, and visits to their house have historically been unrelentingly gluttonous, with a combination of numerous meals out and elaborate home made indulgences. I think I will just have to keep an eye on portions, limit alcohol, and perhaps skip one or two lunches in lieu of actual fasting. And, sadly, I'd best say no to dessert... If not every time, then most of the time, at least. Realistically, there is no way I'm going on a week's holiday and not eating dessert at all!

Fast Day #2

Today is my second fast day. The plan is to skip breakfast, and eat a very small lunch (some M&S grilled calamari) then a heftier dinner (chicken saltimbocca with green beans and roasted cherry tomatoes).

I'm going on a long walk this morning to distract myself. And also hopefully ease some of this health related anxiety that's been dogging me for days.

As far as my weight is going, I had a sneak peak last Wednesday and was very happy with what the scales said - down 2.4kgs to 90.2. Bearing in mind that is also the difference between being weighed fully clothed in the afternoon on different scales, I was still pretty pleased, and so I stepped on this morning confident that I'd finally get back under 90 - only to see it stay the same. I know I shouldn't let that worry me, but I had counted on having a bit of a mental boost this morning. I think I would be more ok with it if it hadn't been for the fact that Saturday was a fairly boozy, indulgent day, so of course I immediately thought to myself that that must have ruined everything as a result.

But I mustn't let it get me down! Perhaps I should weigh once every two weeks, instead. The Fast Diet book also suggests taking measurements - I tried this as well but when I measured myself again one measurement was 10cm more than the first, and the other was a full 5cm less. Something tells me I didn't quite manage to do it correctly the first time. So along with intermittent fasting, perhaps intermittent weighing is the way to go.

Hypochondria here we go

My day 1 fast day has thus far been a success. Due in not too small a part, I think, to my obsessive worrying about my health which kept me occupied all day. I'm terrified I've diabetes. I've read about the symptoms and considered them so long I don't know if I actually have any. Probably not? But maybe? They're fairly vague, a lot of them. The thought fills me with dread. Anyway, the worrying is clearly sticking around, so I've made an appointment to go and see a doctor tomorrow. I dread getting the expected lecture/advice related to my weight but I suppose it's to be expected. I know the blood test requires fasting, so I plan to skip breakfast in the hopes they can do it straight away.

It's now almost dinner time. I had plans for little tasks and things I could occupy my day with today when I got hungry but I haven't done any of them. Just say here reading and fretting. Oh well, I guess it worked, at least.

I've just seen on the news a story about how obesity is linked to 10 kinds of cancer, and that's riling me up too. I don't understand why, it's not as though any of this is news to me, and I'm not the worrying type (about my health, that is). But I have this panicky feeling that I'm stuck in this scary dangerous spot and it's going to take me forever to extricate myself.

Fast Diet Fling

So I've decided to have a stab at this 5:2 intermittent fasting thing. Not without a fair bit of trepidation, it must be said. I don't know if it's sustainable for me, as I've never been the type to skip meals or forget about eating. I'm also worried it might lead me into a cycle of restriction/bingeing, which I know I'm prone to. But I've not had success so far, and since I do want to keep eating out and having a life, this does have its appeal. I've also read that some people find it helps them become more intuitive eaters - that holy grail - so it's worth a try. I'm still going to stick to 1500ish calories on the non-fast days, which is not technically how you're supposed to do it, but I want to see some results quickly, and with various holidays and meals out I have planned I don't think eating in maintenance mode for the rest of the time will cut it.

On Monday I dipped my toe into the fasting waters by eating 745 calories - you're supposed to only eat 500 according to the diet. I also ate three meals during day, which is not the recommended way to eat on your fast days (although it is supposed to be flexible in this regard). It was hard, let me tell you! And to be honest, back on 1500 today, I didn't find it that much easier - it still felt like I was hungry a fair bit of the day. So I may be way too optimistic in thinking I can manage 500 on Thursday. But I may as well give it a go.

I think I'll need to experiment with how to space my calories out on the fasting days. Ideal is apparently breakfast and dinner, or just dinner. But some people still do 3 meals a day, or lunch and dinner. I'm starting off with breakfast and dinner. The plan is to have 2 boiled eggs and tea in the morning, then a Bill Granger asian chicken salad for dinner.

Saturday I'm off to a champagne brunch so I'm not going to bother trying to count calories for that, and just do some exercise and eat lightly the rest of the day to compensate. Monday will be my next fast day, and then I'm off to visit a friend on Wednesday. I'm not sure whether to try to fast Wednesday - the morning at least will be occupied by travel - or just not to bother fasting until I come home Monday. I guess I'll see how it goes and play it by ear. Hopefully the good thing about this little experiment is that if I'm eating 1500 most days anyway, it doesn't matter if I slip up in the fasting department - as long as too much restriction doesn't drive me batty and send me headlong into a family size block of cadbury's. I do want to try to avoid that, while being mindful of the fact that when I have a lot of social activities on, there are plenty of non-restricted days too. Tomorrow my rough plan amounts to 1650, which I think is not unreasonable. Then Thursday, it's full steam ahead with the fasting.

Considering a change

I've managed to keep to my plan for 3 days in a row now, if you can count today, which included a meal out, and therefore aiming for maintenance calories rather than weight loss calories. Still! I kept it together, I didn't eat too much, and I only had one glass of wine - although I did have a few spoonfuls from other peoples desserts, which they pushed on me - not an exculpation of my responsibility, but I did think that if they all knew I was trying to lose weight they probably wouldn't be so forceful. Still, the idea of telling them I'm dieting is unbearable. Too big an admission of my own flaws and self hatred, too great a risk I'll fail and embarrass myself.

In fact, there was a discussion of weight loss at the table this evening, since two of them are doing the 5:2 intermittent fasting, and one of them was expressing an interest in it since she said she's gained weight recently, and she also wants her husband to get a bit healthier. It was all I could do not to melt into the floor in embarrassment - surely they're all thinking, even if in a non-judgmental, involuntary way, "god, SHE could really stand to lose a few pounds!". It just felt like the elephant in the room - or more accurately, I felt like the elephant in the room. These people, I hasten to add, do not remotely need to lose weight. They're skinny, skinny women, the largest perhaps is a size 8 at most, I'm guessing. Meanwhile, in desperation trying to find something to wear tonight, I had to resort to old suit skirt in a size 16 and it was definitely snugger than it was 6 months ago. A depressing realisation, when I'd been beginning to get a bit of diet momentum back.

Even though I said at the beginning of all this that I couldn't do any faddish, restrictive diets, I am tempted by this 5:2 thing, or even a variation of, just to give myself a bit more of a buffer for meals out, and occasional tumbles off the wagon. Perhaps even just try to have one day a week where I aim for fewer than 1000 calories?

Diet flail

(Forgive the title)

I'm still flailing a bit. I've come down with a cold which has made me sorry for myself, lacking in motivation to cook, and liable to feeling like I should just treat myself to that chocolate because after all, I'm not well!

I went to the doctor yesterday (not about the cold, obviously) and he weighed me, and I saw I'd put on more weight - I'm now 92.6. So after 4.5 weeks, I'm 100g less than I was at the start. It's hard not to be hopelessly demoralised by that but I have to try. So I'm back on the horse, hopefully. Trying to think of easy meals that are still diet-friendly, and just cling on for a couple of days, until my mojo returns.

So today I'm planning on vegetable stew with lentils for lunch, baked eggplant in tomato sauce for dinner. Any other bright ideas, send them my way.

I have a fair bit of travel planned for the next few months, both home to see family and also visiting friends in various places. I'm dreading seeing people in the state I'm in. If I could just get a little slimmer, that would help. If I could just get to the point where I have more than 3 outfit choices! Surely that's not too much to ask...

Day 1, v.2.0

Things have not been going well. After a difficult start to the week last week I just increasingly lost my ability to keep it together, my motivation disappeared, and to put it bluntly, everything just went to crap.

So I am hoping today I can get myself back together and start tracking and calorie counting again.

I'm trying not to be too angry with myself - not because I don't deserve it, but because it's counterproductive - but it's hard. Falling so spectacularly off the wagon after only 3 weeks of dieting is quite a feat. I didn't weigh myself this morning, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't want to avoid the truth but I also think that a bad number might just exacerbate the desire to throw in the towel.

Another thing that annoys me is that it's not like I was spending these extra calories on exciting restaurant meals, or anything memorable. I was just zoning out eating toast, muesli bars, and oatcakes with butter, because that's what I had in the house. What a stupid waste.

I really need to work on finding new ways to deal with anxiety and unpleasant emotions, but it's hard to kick the habits of a lifetime, and when I'm in the moment it's like I genuinely don't care that I'm ruining my diet/going to put on weight. I lose all perspective. Somehow I need to avoid getting to that point. God knows how.

Plan for the day
Breakfast - rye bread with goats cheese, tea
Lunch - salad with boiled eggs and anchovies
Dinner - stir fried fish with asian vegetables, brown rice
Snack - piece of fruit

And again...

I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week.

Even though I had some trepidation about how difficult it would be, I'm incredibly disappointed.

I managed to keep it together during the day but going out to dinner feeling miserable was a recipe for disaster. Too much wine, and too much food, including dessert. I ended the day way over. I could just kick myself today, but I'm trying to hold on and not let a bad situation get worse. Maybe today will be the day I get back on track... Fourth time's a charm?

Oops I did it again

Yesterday did not go so great. A combination of disappointment over the weight gain, and more stress about the friend I mentioned before, led to me reaching for chocolate. Dinner also didn't go exactly according to plan due to a few missing ingredients and ended up being more calories than anticipated. According to my tracker I ended up on 2000 calories - hopefully not enough to put on weight, definitely too many to lose.

I'm also so annoyed that after I fell into emotional eating on Sunday, and I recognised it, and I knew I shouldn't do it, I did it again! And not just one incident - the first time yesterday after I'd calmed down a bit and recognised it wasn't helpful, and didn't make things better - I STILL did it again a few hours later! Honestly, what is wrong with me?!

Today was looking like it could have been more of the same since I was planning on taking my friend to a psychiatrist - he's not at all in a good state, mentally. But luckily he has been more forthcoming with his partner and she is going to go with him instead. She's very nice and understanding but he has been a bit afraid to reveal to her just how bad he was feeling, since it's the first episode of depression he's had since knowing her (I've known him many years and seen it all before). I'm glad he's told her though. It's very sad to see someone you care about in this kind of state, and it seems so unfair that some people can get through life (relatively) unafflicted, while others seem so prone to repeat bouts of depression and anxiety. I'm certainly in the latter category, fortunately under control at the moment, and it can just be so damn tiring. At least I know there's medication my friend can take which will hopefully see him get back to normal sooner rather than later - I can't imagine how terrible it must have been for sufferers of mental illness in days past.

It would have been good to have a night in today to try to get back on track, but that's just not the way it worked out. Tonight is steak frites night, and in keeping with my plan to carry on living a normal and sociable life I want to try to attend and enjoy myself, and eat my steak frites (there's nothing else on the menu) in a mindful, sensible fashion. So I'm trying to eating very lightly today. Wish me luck with staying on track.

Weigh-in disappointment

I feel like there should be a special word for the kind of disappointment mixed with horror you feel when you step on the scales expecting something good, but end up putting on weight instead. Scale-shock? I wasn't expecting a huge loss on the scales this morning, but I didn't think I'd actually gain weight! I'm 92.2kgs today, which is a gain of 0.4kgs. I know that's not much, but I've only just started this bloody dieting thing! Isn't it an unwritten rule that you're supposed to have losses for the first few weeks, at least? According to the tracking app I use my average calories per day last week was 1600-and-something - not perfect but not that bad. 

I hate that my weight is so important to me, but this has really upset me quite a bit, and I'm feeling very demoralised. I won't even meet my first modest goal, which was to be under 90 next week. 

I'm now dreading the dinner out tomorrow night, and fighting the urge to just cancel and stay in and mope over something worthy and boring for dinner.

I guess there's nothing for it but to just keep on keeping on. So I'm off to have a carefully tracked breakfast, and then hope for the best.

Slight hiccup

Today was a bit of a strange, difficult day. I had planned out my meals and exercise but I got a very distressed phone call from a friend mid-morning and spent most of the day dealing with that. Didn't sit down to eat lunch until 4pm, although I did have a couple of snacks once my friend had left. It was all a bit emotionally draining and tiring, so I didn't make the best choices (sugary muesli bar, unnecessary piece of cheese) and then I ate some more chocolate after my relatively healthy lunch of sushi.
I could really do with a glass of wine now, too. Anyway, if I stick with my planned dinner (filo tart with spinach, caramelised onion, blue cheese) I'll be hovering around 2000 calories, which isn't unreasonable for maintenance I don't think - so not a disaster, but not ideal. I do wish I could get a better grasp on not letting emotional upsets throw me. I do need to try to work not just on diet but on eating patterns, if I want this to stick long term.

Rough plan for this week -
Monday
Breakfast - bacon on toast
Lunch - something with tomatoes I have that need to be used up - maybe pasta and tuna
Dinner - sweet soy chicken wings, sugar snap peas, rice

Tuesday
Going out for steak frites for dinner (a friend's suggestion) so will have to try to eat very low calorie during the day, but also filling. Protein and vegetables probably.

Wednesday
Not sure about breakfast and lunch, but dinner probably pasta with broccoli and ricotta

No plans for the rest of the week yet.

Impatience Part II

My fitnesspal app tells me today is the 22nd day in a row I've been tracking. For some reason yesterday I had it in my mind it was nearly 4 weeks, and even then, I was thinking about what a short amount of time that is in comparison to how long I'll have to be doing this weight loss caper. I reckon I have to lose at least 27kgs to get to my maximum acceptable weight (which I note is the weight I got to in my first year of university at which time I felt positively whale-like, not helped by certain pointed comments and meaningful sighs my mother made... Not that I'm bitter... Must work on getting over that). I know I need to lose it slowly to be successful, and I'm trying not to be impatient, but still. Sometimes it seems insurmountable. Especially on days like today where it's really a struggle. 

Bonus recipe

My interview went ok yesterday I think. I am still ambivalent about it all, often vacillating between strong feelings one way or the other, and trying not to think about it.

So here's something to put it out of my mind - a recipe! I made vegetarian burgers last night and they were delicious. Writing this down to help me remember. I was trying to roughly follow a half remembered recipe I found ages ago that used beans, carrots, and oats as the main ingredients, but I can't remember where I found it originally.

Beetroot and Bean Burgers

Ingredients
1.5 tins beans of choice - I used 1 tin black beans, 1/2 tin cannellini beans
1/2 cup rolled oats
1/2 carrot
1/4 raw beetroot
1/2 bunch chives
Pinches of various spices - cumin, cinnamon, coriander, paprika, chilli - whatever you want, really
Hefty pinch garlic powder
Salt and pepper
1/4 teaspoon liquid smoke (I love this stuff but I'm sure it would work fine without)
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 egg
60g low fat feta cheese

1. Grate carrots and beetroot, lightly salt, and place in colander lined with tea towel for 30 minutes or so until some liquid has seeped out.

2. Blend the oats along with the spices, a good pinch of salt, and pepper

3. Add the remaining ingredients except for the feta cheese and about 1/4 or 1/3 of the beans. Blend until smooth-ish (you don't want a purée)

4. Mix through with the crumbled feta and whole beans, and form into 4 patties. The mixture will be very wet.

5. Bake on a lined tray at around 140C for 45 minutes or so until firmer and dry on top. I let them cool for a while after that which I think helped them firm up too

6. Heat a little oil in a pan, fry each burger for a couple of minutes a side.

We ate them (well, I ate one, H ate two) on toasted English muffins with tomato sauce. Delicious! Around 330 calories each.

Weigh-in

Weigh-in : 91.8 (May as well include the numbers, right?

Difference : -0.9kg

That's not a bad effort really, for having a weekend away, even given the fact that this weigh-in was 9 days, not 7, after the previous one. I'm definitely pleased with it but still feel a bit of nonspecific disappointment/anxiety or something. Maybe because it's really hitting home how long it will take me to lose this weight (even though I know I shouldn't let that bother me).

For some reason I found it really difficult to not spend all day yesterday eating. I ended up a fair way above my calorie target, although I think still fewer than calories than I supposedly need to maintain my current weight, but even that was a bit of a struggle. What do you do when you can't shake that urge? Usual advice seems to be just wait ten minutes or so and usually the urge will be gone, but that's not my experience at all. Luckily I still have some of that first blush dieting enthusiasm which prevented me falling headlong into disaster, but I know my motivation/willpower will desert me at some point. I just tried to distract myself, partly by going online and ordering cookbooks (that's totally normal dieting behaviour, right?) but it clearly didn't always work. Times like this I especially wish I had a job again - unemployment gives you too much time to yourself. And gives you time to fret about things, and to me, anxiety = comfort eating.

Speaking of - I actually have a job interview this week. It would be a real coup to be offered it, it's a huge step up career wise, and I'd be silly not to take it if I got it - but it's in another country. For financial reasons The Husband couldn't come with me, and so we'd have to be long distance for 18 months (term of the contract) and constantly fly back and forth. It's also quite a difficult job in a difficult city. I should just not think about it yet since chances are slim I'll be successful, but it is weighing heavily on my mind.

Home again

I'm back from holidays! I had a nice time, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't wholeheartedly enjoy myself all the time, which seems such a waste. I just couldn't shake the self consciousness and anxiety. I think I managed pretty well on the food front, but I haven't weighed in yet, so that really remains to be seen. I made the mistake of weighing myself one afternoon on the hotel scales, and they were a good 2.5 kilos more than my previous weigh in at home. I know scales vary, so I'm hoping it's just that - and more importantly, hoping that my home ones are more accurate. I should have weighed myself this morning but I wanted to get in one day of on plan eating first.

It's a relief to be back and able to be more in control of my food again. Last night we had a quick spaghetti puttanesca for dinner when we got in. Today I had a scone and tea for breakfast, and planning on some kind of salad of roast vegetables, wild rice, and feta cheese for lunch, and then copying Seren's tuna with anchovy and rosemary butter for dinner because it sounds so delicious. Side of broccoli and maybe new potatoes.

Bumbling along

The dreaded meal out on Wednesday was more or less what I expected it to be. I didn't really pay too much attention to the dieting bit (especially since it was sharing plates and other people ordered pork belly and spare ribs) but tried not to go too overboard. The half bottle of wine and vodka champagne cocktail was probably a bridge too far... Oops.

The next day, although I got back on track, was pretty wracked with anxiety but I just have to force myself to get back to normalcy ASAP. I guess at the moment the worry is just that I don't know how much I can eat and still lose weight. Maybe a few more consistent weigh ins will give me a better idea of how I'm going with my eating each week. I really want to just get to a place ultimately where food is not so loaded with anxiety and emotion, but I think that will take a long time. I've been thinking to myself recently that for someone who loves food and is overweight I don't actually enjoy meals as much as I should. I'm either fretting over calories and refusing to cook nice things in my enormous cookbook library or I'm bingeing or eating without putting any thought into it, and often on stuff that's a bit rubbish and not satisfying, I would love to get to that middle ground.

Holiday weekend now about to start. I don't actually have a strategy or anything other than to try not to be a complete glutton. 

Still on track

Thanks first of all for the comments from my intrepid readers. It's kind of weird but very nice to know I'm being heard by actual human people (two of them!). As I mentioned, I have trouble talking to anyone about the whole weight business. There are a couple of friends I feel a fraction more comfortable with but of course I don't live in the same country as them at the moment - and even then, I've never said some of the things I find myself writing here. So thank you, again, for listening/reading, and for understanding.

Lesley very sensibly commented that there's no rush to this thing, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I made the mistake yesterday of watching an episode of "Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition" which I'd never seen before. I really should have known better, shows like that always just make me feel more self conscious and anxious and not actually inspired at all. And they irritate me - not just for the needless humiliation (such as making people weigh in wearing only a bra and shorts) but because they're so extreme. The episode takes place over a year but sensible and measured it is not - the poor girl was given a perfectly reasonable(!) initial goal of losing 80 pounds in 3 months. What. The. Fuck. Is all i can say to that. So when she "only" lost 68 pounds or something, it was kind of seen as a failure. I mean how ridiculous is that!? She was supposed to exercise 2-2.5 hours a day and eat 1500 calories. Even though I KNOW that's absurd I still can't shake the negative feeling I'm left with. So enough of that nonsense, and no more trashy American weight loss reality shows for me (trashy American OTHER reality shows will remain a highlight of my life).

I've to go out to dinner again tomorrow which I'm slightly dreading. I wish I could lose this anxiety about social occasions. I feel like I can't really win  - usually I'm anxious because of how I look; when I'm on a diet I'm still anxious because of how I look AND because I worry about calories. This is not an attitude I want to have. I want to be relaxed about eating out and eat in moderation etc, but the dieting thing is new at the moment (although I do have lifelong practice) and so I feel a bit shaky on my spindly newborn dieter legs. I don't want to fall off the wagon, and I'm not sure how much I should eat to keep the weight loss on track.

Looming large at the end of this week is the weekend away - which I'm feeling even more anxious about. It's one thing to have a meal out, but this will be 9 meals out in a row. Plus the usual looks/weight induced panics brought on by a series of social engagements forcing me out of track suit pants and into the public eye.

Anyway. All I can do is try to be sensible. My meal plans for the rest of the week -

Wednesday
Breakfast - egg on toast
Lunch - sweet potato mash, spinach with garlic, pan fried chorizo (a riff on a Nigel Slater idea but using the cured instead of fresh sausage)
Dinner out

Thursday
Breakfast - oat scone
Lunch - same as Wednesday
Snack - cooked blueberries with Greek yogurt
Dinner - rice, tomato, red lentils and onion - a recipe from Claudia Roden's amazing Jewish food cookbook

Friday
Breakfast - muesli
Lunch - probably some kind of M&S ready meal
Dinner - out ... First of many over the weekend

Facts and figures

So, I finally weighed myself, and it's not great. I've put on at least 3 kilos since last weighing myself and have to lose 25.7 kgs to get to the uppermost healthy weight for my height. And I am kind of wishing I'd just bitten the bullet and weighed myself at the start of this because I don't know if I've lost anything so far.

Of course, I'm immediately trying to calculate how much I can lose by when, and I don't want to fall into that trap too much because it always seems to set me up for disappointment. However... Do you think I can lose that by Christmas? Probably not, if I'm being honest. That would be a loss of more than a kilo a week and I know that's a bit unrealistic, especially if I want to do it in a more reasonable fashion and still eat out occasionally and so on.

I feel like I need at least one time based goal to help keep me on track. Maybe I'll keep it small at first  - so my first goal is 2.8 kilos in 3 weeks, which will get me into the next weight bracket.

Clothing misery

For me, there's nothing more demoralising than having to get dressed to go out. Getting dressed to go anywhere, even out to walk the dog or down to the shops, is pretty misery inducing, but having to get dressed up for a night out is even worse. At the moment I pretty much live in two stretchy black dresses, for literally everything. I don't think my friends have seen me in anything else for months and months and months. One dress is even developing little fraying patches so I know it's not long for this world (and also looking ratty). I couldn't bear to wear the same thing tonight, so I hauled out the contents of my wardrobe and tried so many things on. Most I couldn't get into any more. Some I'd never been able to wear - bought them when they were a little too snug and optimistically hung on to them. I actually have SO MANY CLOTHES. I used to love clothes, back when I could go shopping in a normal shop. Now I have a wardrobe full of things bought in desperation that I still never wear. I've settled on a navy high neck dress I used to wear to work, which is now rather too tight, but as it has a sheer overlay layer that is a little looser, I'm hoping to get away with it. I'm trying to dress it up with a coloured belt and some kind of statement jewellery - the last refuge of the fashion conscious fat girl.

I wish it were less depressing tonight, given I'm currently doing fairly well at the dieting. But it's not. It's just as awful as ever.

Coming out of the closet

It's so hard to tell people I want to lose weight. Everything I've read suggests telling people = accountability = higher chance of success, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm too ashamed. It's as though if I told people I was on a diet it would be an acknowledgment of how fat I am now. It's not as though they can't see perfectly well for themselves, but part of me feels a bit like some defenceless creature trying to escape a predator - don't make any sudden movements, don't do or say anything, and they won't know you're here.

When I was much lighter, I would happily talk about weight loss. It was fine if I only needed to lose 5 or 10 kilos. But now it's more like 25 or 30 kilos, I'm too embarrassed to address it. Whenever people mention weight loss themselves, I just freeze up and hope the conversation moves on, assuming they must all be thinking to themselves how I'm the one who really needs to lose some weight.

Yesterday at lunch I told my friend I didn't want to share her chips and mayonnaise "because it was too hot" (although I did in fact end up eating some) and that I got my salad dressing on the side "because I'm fussy about salads". I also said I was going to bring my own diet drinks to the party tomorrow night "because I'm cutting out sugar for a couple of weeks". All completely absurd subterfuges, but I just can't bring myself to tell anyone.

Foodwise was fine yesterday, even with the small handful of chips I ate. Today and tonight will be a bit of a challenge but as I said, I'll be bringing my own diet mixers to have with alcohol and carefully track how many drinks I'm having. Food will be difficult. I think on days like this I'm just going to aim for a maintenance level of calories, which is more realistic. Trying to keep it low in calories during the day, with smoked salmon on toast for breakfast and an almost Niçoise salad (minus the tuna and the potato) for lunch. Plus a long walk in the afternoon.

I still haven't weighed myself. I actually had every intention of doing it this morning but then I forgot and ate breakfast and had cups of tea, so now I don't want to do it. Silly, but I want to be weighed first thing in the morning on an empty stomach to try to get the lowest number possible...

Impatience

The trouble with having a big amount of weight to lose, is that it takes a big amount of time to do it. I so desperately wish I could just take a pill and wave a magic wand to do it, not just because of the work it takes, but more because of how crippled by self-loathing I feel a lot of the time. And that seems to make it harder to keep dieting, because sooner or later I'll get overwhelmed and want to comfort myself, or decide there's no point because I am hopeless and destined to fail, or that I'm not worth it, and sometimes even, that perhaps I deserve to be overweight because I've had luck in other areas of my life, and maybe I'm also not a very good person and it serves me right. All completely melodramatic of course, and I'm a bit embarrassed even to be writing this down and admitting it to myself.

Of course, none of that is very productive and just ends up in the self defeating circle of weight gain and misery. Blah blah blah, it's all a rich tapestry (to borrow from the Simpsons). I'd like to keep the navel gazing to a minimum because I don't know how helpful it is to wallow, and I've had these thoughts for so long and it takes up SO MUCH of my time, I'm bored with it.

The trouble with being impatient also is that I expect unreasonable results. Some clothes I'd ordered arrived in the mail today, and somehow part of me was a bit disappointed that they weren't too big, as though 7 days of minor diet changes and minimal exercise could make a discernible difference. Rationally I knew it couldn't, but I was still a little sad, gazing at my uninspiring pile of stretchy black fabric in size extra large.

I really must get around to weighing myself at some point too, but I haven't had the emotional energy to do it, worrying about what it will say. Of course if I keep putting it off I'll still be upset with the number but won't get the satisfaction of knowing if I've lost any, so I can't keep putting it off.

Food wise I've been fine today. 

Breakfast - oatmeal scone

Morning snack - low fat cheese

Lunch - M&S Harissa chicken salad and kale chips

Planned dinner is vegetarian burgers on English muffins. Maybe a few squares of dark chocolate for dessert.

Tomorrow I'm going out to lunch, and on Saturday night out for dinner and then karaoke. Not sure what my plan is yet. I checked the menu for tomorrow's restaurant and have tentatively chosen what I think is a reasonable option, so let's see.

Dinner out fail

Ok, last night did not go exactly according to plan. I managed to keep calories low the rest of the day, but I did no exercise apart from taking the dog for a short walk, and then things kind of fell apart at dinner. Part of this was not my fault - I would have ordered a sensible(ish) meal had it been a la carte, but turned out the restaurant was a 6 course degustation. I also ate two bits of not even very good bread, slathered in butter, as well as had four glasses of wine. I don't think they were all full standard drinks, but still. And the meal itself was not actually too heavy - as far as 6 course degustation meals go.

So, massive fail on all of my planned strategies, but I guess the one good thing is that I feel back on track today, and am not letting one night lead me astray or make me wallow in guilt.

Plan for today is -

Breakfast - rather heavy and dense low fat oatmeal scone

Lunch - green bean, potato, tuna salad with parsley vinaigrette

Snack - Greek yogurt with strawberries

Dinner - Smitten Kitchen one pot farro with tomatoes, topped with low fat feta cheese

Dinner out

Today has gone according to plan, happily. When I am motivated and can plan in advance things can go quite smoothly. Tomorrow, however, is a different kettle of fish. It's the tenth anniversary of my husband's and my first date, so we're going out for a meal. When this was mooted last week, I considered saying no, but decided that I really need to work my whole weight loss caper into normal life. There have been plenty of social occasions I've passed up in the past because I was in the zealous stage of a new diet, and it clearly never got me anywhere since I'm as fat as I ever was.

I don't actually know the restaurant we're going to. The Husband booked it and I told him to keep it a surprise, although I am slightly wondering whether I should ask him so I can do some recce on the menu.

I'd love to be able to eat out and stay on track, and I know plenty of people manage it, but I am feeling a little apprehensive. I think my plan of attack will be to avoid bread, stick to two glasses of wine, and try to steer clear of the more indulgent items (except when it comes to dessert... I don't think I can stomach a celebratory meal without dessert - pun intended). Plus I'll keep the calories low during the day and do extra exercise.

If the meal out does completely ruin my weight loss this week, I will have no way of knowing, since I haven't weighed myself. I know I need to get on to that soon. Even more so because at the end of next week there's an even bigger challenge coming up - a four day holiday with friends.

So far so good

Sunday so far has gone to plan, and the good news from today is that my dog, who has been recovering from major surgery, has been given the green light to start walks again. Good news for the pup, and also for me since it forces me back into daily exercise. Where I live it is pretty unpleasantly hot and humid so I hate exercising outside around 8 months of the year, but it's not like  I ever exercised inside either. I hate gyms (although I did have a successful run with one a few years ago) and I always feel so uncomfortably out of place among the skinny gym bunnies. This is compounded by the fact that I live in a big Asian city where everyone is super super skinny and fashion conscious. I feel so out of place sometimes that I'm even reluctant to say exactly where I am, even in this anonymous unread blog, because I feel like as That Fat White Girl I am easily identifiable (not actually true, rationally speaking).

The plan for tomorrow is-
Breakfast - leftover cooked potato omelette with a bit of goats cheese and spring onions
Lunch- tomato soup and toast
Dinner - Yotam Ottolenghi's conchiglie with yogurt, chilli, and peas, from the Jerusalem cookbook. (With significantly less olive oil, and low fat yogurt and feta)

While tallying up the calorie total for said day, I was exchanging messages with my good friend who is an aid worker, currently in a war torn country in Africa. It made me feel unbelievably ashamed that the biggest concern in my life is eating too much. Even more true at the moment because I am currently unemployed (I used to work at an NGO with this friend of mine and we recently both lost our jobs due to budget cuts; she went on to an amazing new do-gooding job immediately, I went on to sitting at home and mainlining ice cream like it was going out of style.

Anyway, I must remember that one if the items on my "what works" list is not falling into self-loathing, so I have to shut those thoughts down. The Husband is currently off on a 2 hour jog, and I am going to follow his example (scaled down) and do some strength exercises.

Food plans

Today went ok-ish, although I didn't really get into the exercise. I walked to and from the supermarket which probably was around a 20 minute trip so I counted that and considered myself done. Must do better tomorrow.

Food wise was fine except that I made some low fat blackberry scones for breakfast tomorrow, but I was a bit concerned the flour was old they didn't smell that amazing when they came out of the oven. So I wasted some calories tasting them and concluded that indeed that wholemeal flour was stale and there was a strong baking powder taste. So into the bin they went.

So today I had

Breakfast - boiled egg and 2 bacon rashers 

Lunch - leftover tofu and veg from last night in rice paper wrappers 

Snacks - pineapple and blueberries; popcorn, aforementioned gross stale scone 

Dinner - Bill Granger Indian tomato and salmon curry (bulked out with green beans, cauliflower and spinach, which I had in the fridge), rice

Plan for tomorrow is-

Breakfast - oat and honey scone, pineapple

Lunch - poached chicken, potato, green bean salad

Snack - granola bar, piece of cheese

Dinner - Linda McCartney vegetarian sausages, stuffing from a package, some kind of veg (haute cuisine indeed)

Goals and Reminders

Well, day 1 went pretty well. I stuck to the plan with some minor variations (added half a banana to the snack and some vermicelli to dinner) and did 20 minutes of exercise (I know, a bit pathetic, but I'm trying to take small steps at first).

Inspired by Seren's post on what has worked for her this year and what goals she has, I thought I'd write my own list. Unfortunately I don't have anything to put in the plus column for this year, I've utterly wasted 6 months (and not just wasted - I've actually put on weight). But I can pinpoint things that have worked for me in the past and I'm going to try to replicate them.

What works for me:
No limitations or specifications of any kind - so no Atkins, South Beach, Paleo, what have you. I am not good at cutting out food groups.
Not restricting too much in general - 1500-1600 calories per day is my goal
Meal planning (for every meal)
Incorporating desserts, meals out etc so I don't feel deprived - this usually requires exercise
Not trying to be too virtuous and 100% perfect. It's hard enough trying to eat better and restrict calories, I can tie myself up in knots and absolutely beat myself up about not eating like some perfectly healthy whole foods yoga goddess. Near enough is good enough. I need to keep eating what I like, and what I can see myself eating forever. I love pasta, so I'm going to keep eating it frequently - just be measured about volume and accompaniments
Asking The Husband to be mindful of what he buys/eats. I wish I could just happily sit by feeling un-deprived while he scarfs 3 kinds of cheese after dinner, but I just can't. The Husband is sadly one of those people who can eat whatever he wants in huge quantities and remain skinny (lucky bastard). Obviously I don't want to restrict him eating whatever he wants (and enough of it) but I will ask him not to buy crisps and so on, and perhaps also remind him to make an effort to eat lunch (he's also one of those people who will skip meals, which I have never understood) so he doesn't then need to eat the huge quantities of cheese for a second dinner.
Keeping track of what I eat - which for now means lots of tedious daily food blogs
Being positive and trying not to fall into my usual morass of self loathing. Cliched but true, I need to be a bit gentle on myself
Constantly, constantly, constantly reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race. I have a tendency to despair at the amount of weight I have to lose and how long it will take me, which leads me to give up, counter productive though I know that is

Things I haven't really tried, but all the diet powers that be say are good ideas - What to try:
Asking myself before eating anything whether it brings me further or closer to my goal, and if I really want to eat it
Actively distracting myself when the urge to eat/ binge comes upon me a taking a walk or waiting for ten minutes to see if the desire is still there
Writing a list of reasons why I want to lose weight and revisiting it
And of course, mindfulness, seemingly the weight loss watchword of the moment
Also I read recently that clenching your fists while ordering in a restaurant actually gives you more willpower to stick to your plan, which is interesting. I'd link to the article but not savvy enough to work out how to do that yet.

Current Goals
Track my food
Try 3 new recipes every week
Exercise 20 minutes daily
Strength training every second day

That's probably enough to start with! I haven't planned my food for the day yet but I'll be back to post again at some stage.

Day 1

I figure I can use this blogging caper as a way to do all those things that have been recommended to me over the years but I've always felt too awkward to do - writing a journal to try to deal with emotional eating (I refuse to use the word "journalling" - journal is a noun, people!) making pros and cons lists, setting goals, etc.

So here we go then.

I am currently Very Fat. Yes, with capital letters. I have not always been fat (although I have always thought I was fat, which probably says a lot about my relationship with food and my body - I look at photos of myself at 21 and gasp at how lithe and slender I was, when I would have sworn to you, hand on heart, that I was chubby). But I have definitely been fat for the last 6-7 years, so I can no longer claim that this is just a little blip, a bit of weight gain I can shed quickly. Fat is my new normal. I won't get into why I got so fat but suffice to say I have the usual common and garden variety emotional eating problems and also have had a history of serious bingeing. Although the bingeing has mainly gone away I haven't been able to shed the habit of eating enormous servings of calorie laden food whenever I'm a bit sad, or bored, or just feel like I deserve it. That's another thing - I also love food - love cooking new things, restaurants, going out to eat. So losing weight all seems a bit insurmountable, even though I must have managed to reconcile it all at one stage (see my former slender 21 year old self).

I have started innumerable diets in my life, and occasionally been successful, so I guess I just have to try to make it stick this time. Part of me has the firm conviction that because I didn't manage to lose weight for my wedding 4 years ago (the whole wedding dress debacle was so painful I can't even look at wedding photos) I will never manage it. Surely everyone loses weight for their wedding - so if that's not enough motivation for me, am I destined to fail?

Anyway, no point dwelling on that. The fact is I am very overweight (I daren't even whisper the word obese but I think technically, that's what I am), I feel so uncomfortable, clothes look awful on me, I am shamefully unfit, and I am miserable. So I can't let that continue.

I didn't dare get on the scales this morning but I know I have to deal with them at some stage. But today I just want to achieve one small goal - stick to my food plan, and do 20 minutes of exercise.

Plan is:
Breakfast - 1 boiled egg and 2 rashers of bacon
Lunch - 1/2 pot Marks and Spencer super green soup, 2 small slices of toast, 30g cheese
Snack - low fat Greek yogurt with 1 teaspoon honey
Dinner - Tofu, mushroom, cabbage stir fry. Possibly made into some kind of roll with rice paper wrappers.

I was going to write "snack - optional" but who am I kidding. And I know I need to be wary of the tendency, in the initial throes of enthusiasm, to keep cutting back and cutting back until I rebel in spectacular fashion)

I've managed to get to midday, breakfast ticked off. Now I just have to hold out.

This is the way the blog starts, not with a bang but a whimper.

I love reading weight loss blogs, but never seem to do any actual weight losing. So I thought I'd try penning one myself and seeing how that goes.

I realise my audience will probably consist of me, myself and I.

Still - stay tuned, self.