Thanks first of all for the comments from my intrepid readers. It's kind of weird but very nice to know I'm being heard by actual human people (two of them!). As I mentioned, I have trouble talking to anyone about the whole weight business. There are a couple of friends I feel a fraction more comfortable with but of course I don't live in the same country as them at the moment - and even then, I've never said some of the things I find myself writing here. So thank you, again, for listening/reading, and for understanding.
Lesley very sensibly commented that there's no rush to this thing, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I made the mistake yesterday of watching an episode of "Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition" which I'd never seen before. I really should have known better, shows like that always just make me feel more self conscious and anxious and not actually inspired at all. And they irritate me - not just for the needless humiliation (such as making people weigh in wearing only a bra and shorts) but because they're so extreme. The episode takes place over a year but sensible and measured it is not - the poor girl was given a perfectly reasonable(!) initial goal of losing 80 pounds in 3 months. What. The. Fuck. Is all i can say to that. So when she "only" lost 68 pounds or something, it was kind of seen as a failure. I mean how ridiculous is that!? She was supposed to exercise 2-2.5 hours a day and eat 1500 calories. Even though I KNOW that's absurd I still can't shake the negative feeling I'm left with. So enough of that nonsense, and no more trashy American weight loss reality shows for me (trashy American OTHER reality shows will remain a highlight of my life).
I've to go out to dinner again tomorrow which I'm slightly dreading. I wish I could lose this anxiety about social occasions. I feel like I can't really win - usually I'm anxious because of how I look; when I'm on a diet I'm still anxious because of how I look AND because I worry about calories. This is not an attitude I want to have. I want to be relaxed about eating out and eat in moderation etc, but the dieting thing is new at the moment (although I do have lifelong practice) and so I feel a bit shaky on my spindly newborn dieter legs. I don't want to fall off the wagon, and I'm not sure how much I should eat to keep the weight loss on track.
Looming large at the end of this week is the weekend away - which I'm feeling even more anxious about. It's one thing to have a meal out, but this will be 9 meals out in a row. Plus the usual looks/weight induced panics brought on by a series of social engagements forcing me out of track suit pants and into the public eye.
Anyway. All I can do is try to be sensible. My meal plans for the rest of the week -
Wednesday
Breakfast - egg on toast
Lunch - sweet potato mash, spinach with garlic, pan fried chorizo (a riff on a Nigel Slater idea but using the cured instead of fresh sausage)
Dinner out
Thursday
Breakfast - oat scone
Lunch - same as Wednesday
Snack - cooked blueberries with Greek yogurt
Dinner - rice, tomato, red lentils and onion - a recipe from Claudia Roden's amazing Jewish food cookbook
Friday
Breakfast - muesli
Lunch - probably some kind of M&S ready meal
Dinner - out ... First of many over the weekend
Lesley very sensibly commented that there's no rush to this thing, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I made the mistake yesterday of watching an episode of "Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition" which I'd never seen before. I really should have known better, shows like that always just make me feel more self conscious and anxious and not actually inspired at all. And they irritate me - not just for the needless humiliation (such as making people weigh in wearing only a bra and shorts) but because they're so extreme. The episode takes place over a year but sensible and measured it is not - the poor girl was given a perfectly reasonable(!) initial goal of losing 80 pounds in 3 months. What. The. Fuck. Is all i can say to that. So when she "only" lost 68 pounds or something, it was kind of seen as a failure. I mean how ridiculous is that!? She was supposed to exercise 2-2.5 hours a day and eat 1500 calories. Even though I KNOW that's absurd I still can't shake the negative feeling I'm left with. So enough of that nonsense, and no more trashy American weight loss reality shows for me (trashy American OTHER reality shows will remain a highlight of my life).
I've to go out to dinner again tomorrow which I'm slightly dreading. I wish I could lose this anxiety about social occasions. I feel like I can't really win - usually I'm anxious because of how I look; when I'm on a diet I'm still anxious because of how I look AND because I worry about calories. This is not an attitude I want to have. I want to be relaxed about eating out and eat in moderation etc, but the dieting thing is new at the moment (although I do have lifelong practice) and so I feel a bit shaky on my spindly newborn dieter legs. I don't want to fall off the wagon, and I'm not sure how much I should eat to keep the weight loss on track.
Looming large at the end of this week is the weekend away - which I'm feeling even more anxious about. It's one thing to have a meal out, but this will be 9 meals out in a row. Plus the usual looks/weight induced panics brought on by a series of social engagements forcing me out of track suit pants and into the public eye.
Anyway. All I can do is try to be sensible. My meal plans for the rest of the week -
Wednesday
Breakfast - egg on toast
Lunch - sweet potato mash, spinach with garlic, pan fried chorizo (a riff on a Nigel Slater idea but using the cured instead of fresh sausage)
Dinner out
Thursday
Breakfast - oat scone
Lunch - same as Wednesday
Snack - cooked blueberries with Greek yogurt
Dinner - rice, tomato, red lentils and onion - a recipe from Claudia Roden's amazing Jewish food cookbook
Friday
Breakfast - muesli
Lunch - probably some kind of M&S ready meal
Dinner - out ... First of many over the weekend
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