Impatience

The trouble with having a big amount of weight to lose, is that it takes a big amount of time to do it. I so desperately wish I could just take a pill and wave a magic wand to do it, not just because of the work it takes, but more because of how crippled by self-loathing I feel a lot of the time. And that seems to make it harder to keep dieting, because sooner or later I'll get overwhelmed and want to comfort myself, or decide there's no point because I am hopeless and destined to fail, or that I'm not worth it, and sometimes even, that perhaps I deserve to be overweight because I've had luck in other areas of my life, and maybe I'm also not a very good person and it serves me right. All completely melodramatic of course, and I'm a bit embarrassed even to be writing this down and admitting it to myself.

Of course, none of that is very productive and just ends up in the self defeating circle of weight gain and misery. Blah blah blah, it's all a rich tapestry (to borrow from the Simpsons). I'd like to keep the navel gazing to a minimum because I don't know how helpful it is to wallow, and I've had these thoughts for so long and it takes up SO MUCH of my time, I'm bored with it.

The trouble with being impatient also is that I expect unreasonable results. Some clothes I'd ordered arrived in the mail today, and somehow part of me was a bit disappointed that they weren't too big, as though 7 days of minor diet changes and minimal exercise could make a discernible difference. Rationally I knew it couldn't, but I was still a little sad, gazing at my uninspiring pile of stretchy black fabric in size extra large.

I really must get around to weighing myself at some point too, but I haven't had the emotional energy to do it, worrying about what it will say. Of course if I keep putting it off I'll still be upset with the number but won't get the satisfaction of knowing if I've lost any, so I can't keep putting it off.

Food wise I've been fine today. 

Breakfast - oatmeal scone

Morning snack - low fat cheese

Lunch - M&S Harissa chicken salad and kale chips

Planned dinner is vegetarian burgers on English muffins. Maybe a few squares of dark chocolate for dessert.

Tomorrow I'm going out to lunch, and on Saturday night out for dinner and then karaoke. Not sure what my plan is yet. I checked the menu for tomorrow's restaurant and have tentatively chosen what I think is a reasonable option, so let's see.