And again...

I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week.

Even though I had some trepidation about how difficult it would be, I'm incredibly disappointed.

I managed to keep it together during the day but going out to dinner feeling miserable was a recipe for disaster. Too much wine, and too much food, including dessert. I ended the day way over. I could just kick myself today, but I'm trying to hold on and not let a bad situation get worse. Maybe today will be the day I get back on track... Fourth time's a charm?

Oops I did it again

Yesterday did not go so great. A combination of disappointment over the weight gain, and more stress about the friend I mentioned before, led to me reaching for chocolate. Dinner also didn't go exactly according to plan due to a few missing ingredients and ended up being more calories than anticipated. According to my tracker I ended up on 2000 calories - hopefully not enough to put on weight, definitely too many to lose.

I'm also so annoyed that after I fell into emotional eating on Sunday, and I recognised it, and I knew I shouldn't do it, I did it again! And not just one incident - the first time yesterday after I'd calmed down a bit and recognised it wasn't helpful, and didn't make things better - I STILL did it again a few hours later! Honestly, what is wrong with me?!

Today was looking like it could have been more of the same since I was planning on taking my friend to a psychiatrist - he's not at all in a good state, mentally. But luckily he has been more forthcoming with his partner and she is going to go with him instead. She's very nice and understanding but he has been a bit afraid to reveal to her just how bad he was feeling, since it's the first episode of depression he's had since knowing her (I've known him many years and seen it all before). I'm glad he's told her though. It's very sad to see someone you care about in this kind of state, and it seems so unfair that some people can get through life (relatively) unafflicted, while others seem so prone to repeat bouts of depression and anxiety. I'm certainly in the latter category, fortunately under control at the moment, and it can just be so damn tiring. At least I know there's medication my friend can take which will hopefully see him get back to normal sooner rather than later - I can't imagine how terrible it must have been for sufferers of mental illness in days past.

It would have been good to have a night in today to try to get back on track, but that's just not the way it worked out. Tonight is steak frites night, and in keeping with my plan to carry on living a normal and sociable life I want to try to attend and enjoy myself, and eat my steak frites (there's nothing else on the menu) in a mindful, sensible fashion. So I'm trying to eating very lightly today. Wish me luck with staying on track.

Weigh-in disappointment

I feel like there should be a special word for the kind of disappointment mixed with horror you feel when you step on the scales expecting something good, but end up putting on weight instead. Scale-shock? I wasn't expecting a huge loss on the scales this morning, but I didn't think I'd actually gain weight! I'm 92.2kgs today, which is a gain of 0.4kgs. I know that's not much, but I've only just started this bloody dieting thing! Isn't it an unwritten rule that you're supposed to have losses for the first few weeks, at least? According to the tracking app I use my average calories per day last week was 1600-and-something - not perfect but not that bad. 

I hate that my weight is so important to me, but this has really upset me quite a bit, and I'm feeling very demoralised. I won't even meet my first modest goal, which was to be under 90 next week. 

I'm now dreading the dinner out tomorrow night, and fighting the urge to just cancel and stay in and mope over something worthy and boring for dinner.

I guess there's nothing for it but to just keep on keeping on. So I'm off to have a carefully tracked breakfast, and then hope for the best.

Slight hiccup

Today was a bit of a strange, difficult day. I had planned out my meals and exercise but I got a very distressed phone call from a friend mid-morning and spent most of the day dealing with that. Didn't sit down to eat lunch until 4pm, although I did have a couple of snacks once my friend had left. It was all a bit emotionally draining and tiring, so I didn't make the best choices (sugary muesli bar, unnecessary piece of cheese) and then I ate some more chocolate after my relatively healthy lunch of sushi.
I could really do with a glass of wine now, too. Anyway, if I stick with my planned dinner (filo tart with spinach, caramelised onion, blue cheese) I'll be hovering around 2000 calories, which isn't unreasonable for maintenance I don't think - so not a disaster, but not ideal. I do wish I could get a better grasp on not letting emotional upsets throw me. I do need to try to work not just on diet but on eating patterns, if I want this to stick long term.

Rough plan for this week -
Monday
Breakfast - bacon on toast
Lunch - something with tomatoes I have that need to be used up - maybe pasta and tuna
Dinner - sweet soy chicken wings, sugar snap peas, rice

Tuesday
Going out for steak frites for dinner (a friend's suggestion) so will have to try to eat very low calorie during the day, but also filling. Protein and vegetables probably.

Wednesday
Not sure about breakfast and lunch, but dinner probably pasta with broccoli and ricotta

No plans for the rest of the week yet.

Impatience Part II

My fitnesspal app tells me today is the 22nd day in a row I've been tracking. For some reason yesterday I had it in my mind it was nearly 4 weeks, and even then, I was thinking about what a short amount of time that is in comparison to how long I'll have to be doing this weight loss caper. I reckon I have to lose at least 27kgs to get to my maximum acceptable weight (which I note is the weight I got to in my first year of university at which time I felt positively whale-like, not helped by certain pointed comments and meaningful sighs my mother made... Not that I'm bitter... Must work on getting over that). I know I need to lose it slowly to be successful, and I'm trying not to be impatient, but still. Sometimes it seems insurmountable. Especially on days like today where it's really a struggle. 

Bonus recipe

My interview went ok yesterday I think. I am still ambivalent about it all, often vacillating between strong feelings one way or the other, and trying not to think about it.

So here's something to put it out of my mind - a recipe! I made vegetarian burgers last night and they were delicious. Writing this down to help me remember. I was trying to roughly follow a half remembered recipe I found ages ago that used beans, carrots, and oats as the main ingredients, but I can't remember where I found it originally.

Beetroot and Bean Burgers

Ingredients
1.5 tins beans of choice - I used 1 tin black beans, 1/2 tin cannellini beans
1/2 cup rolled oats
1/2 carrot
1/4 raw beetroot
1/2 bunch chives
Pinches of various spices - cumin, cinnamon, coriander, paprika, chilli - whatever you want, really
Hefty pinch garlic powder
Salt and pepper
1/4 teaspoon liquid smoke (I love this stuff but I'm sure it would work fine without)
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 egg
60g low fat feta cheese

1. Grate carrots and beetroot, lightly salt, and place in colander lined with tea towel for 30 minutes or so until some liquid has seeped out.

2. Blend the oats along with the spices, a good pinch of salt, and pepper

3. Add the remaining ingredients except for the feta cheese and about 1/4 or 1/3 of the beans. Blend until smooth-ish (you don't want a purée)

4. Mix through with the crumbled feta and whole beans, and form into 4 patties. The mixture will be very wet.

5. Bake on a lined tray at around 140C for 45 minutes or so until firmer and dry on top. I let them cool for a while after that which I think helped them firm up too

6. Heat a little oil in a pan, fry each burger for a couple of minutes a side.

We ate them (well, I ate one, H ate two) on toasted English muffins with tomato sauce. Delicious! Around 330 calories each.

Weigh-in

Weigh-in : 91.8 (May as well include the numbers, right?

Difference : -0.9kg

That's not a bad effort really, for having a weekend away, even given the fact that this weigh-in was 9 days, not 7, after the previous one. I'm definitely pleased with it but still feel a bit of nonspecific disappointment/anxiety or something. Maybe because it's really hitting home how long it will take me to lose this weight (even though I know I shouldn't let that bother me).

For some reason I found it really difficult to not spend all day yesterday eating. I ended up a fair way above my calorie target, although I think still fewer than calories than I supposedly need to maintain my current weight, but even that was a bit of a struggle. What do you do when you can't shake that urge? Usual advice seems to be just wait ten minutes or so and usually the urge will be gone, but that's not my experience at all. Luckily I still have some of that first blush dieting enthusiasm which prevented me falling headlong into disaster, but I know my motivation/willpower will desert me at some point. I just tried to distract myself, partly by going online and ordering cookbooks (that's totally normal dieting behaviour, right?) but it clearly didn't always work. Times like this I especially wish I had a job again - unemployment gives you too much time to yourself. And gives you time to fret about things, and to me, anxiety = comfort eating.

Speaking of - I actually have a job interview this week. It would be a real coup to be offered it, it's a huge step up career wise, and I'd be silly not to take it if I got it - but it's in another country. For financial reasons The Husband couldn't come with me, and so we'd have to be long distance for 18 months (term of the contract) and constantly fly back and forth. It's also quite a difficult job in a difficult city. I should just not think about it yet since chances are slim I'll be successful, but it is weighing heavily on my mind.

Home again

I'm back from holidays! I had a nice time, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't wholeheartedly enjoy myself all the time, which seems such a waste. I just couldn't shake the self consciousness and anxiety. I think I managed pretty well on the food front, but I haven't weighed in yet, so that really remains to be seen. I made the mistake of weighing myself one afternoon on the hotel scales, and they were a good 2.5 kilos more than my previous weigh in at home. I know scales vary, so I'm hoping it's just that - and more importantly, hoping that my home ones are more accurate. I should have weighed myself this morning but I wanted to get in one day of on plan eating first.

It's a relief to be back and able to be more in control of my food again. Last night we had a quick spaghetti puttanesca for dinner when we got in. Today I had a scone and tea for breakfast, and planning on some kind of salad of roast vegetables, wild rice, and feta cheese for lunch, and then copying Seren's tuna with anchovy and rosemary butter for dinner because it sounds so delicious. Side of broccoli and maybe new potatoes.

Bumbling along

The dreaded meal out on Wednesday was more or less what I expected it to be. I didn't really pay too much attention to the dieting bit (especially since it was sharing plates and other people ordered pork belly and spare ribs) but tried not to go too overboard. The half bottle of wine and vodka champagne cocktail was probably a bridge too far... Oops.

The next day, although I got back on track, was pretty wracked with anxiety but I just have to force myself to get back to normalcy ASAP. I guess at the moment the worry is just that I don't know how much I can eat and still lose weight. Maybe a few more consistent weigh ins will give me a better idea of how I'm going with my eating each week. I really want to just get to a place ultimately where food is not so loaded with anxiety and emotion, but I think that will take a long time. I've been thinking to myself recently that for someone who loves food and is overweight I don't actually enjoy meals as much as I should. I'm either fretting over calories and refusing to cook nice things in my enormous cookbook library or I'm bingeing or eating without putting any thought into it, and often on stuff that's a bit rubbish and not satisfying, I would love to get to that middle ground.

Holiday weekend now about to start. I don't actually have a strategy or anything other than to try not to be a complete glutton. 

Still on track

Thanks first of all for the comments from my intrepid readers. It's kind of weird but very nice to know I'm being heard by actual human people (two of them!). As I mentioned, I have trouble talking to anyone about the whole weight business. There are a couple of friends I feel a fraction more comfortable with but of course I don't live in the same country as them at the moment - and even then, I've never said some of the things I find myself writing here. So thank you, again, for listening/reading, and for understanding.

Lesley very sensibly commented that there's no rush to this thing, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I made the mistake yesterday of watching an episode of "Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition" which I'd never seen before. I really should have known better, shows like that always just make me feel more self conscious and anxious and not actually inspired at all. And they irritate me - not just for the needless humiliation (such as making people weigh in wearing only a bra and shorts) but because they're so extreme. The episode takes place over a year but sensible and measured it is not - the poor girl was given a perfectly reasonable(!) initial goal of losing 80 pounds in 3 months. What. The. Fuck. Is all i can say to that. So when she "only" lost 68 pounds or something, it was kind of seen as a failure. I mean how ridiculous is that!? She was supposed to exercise 2-2.5 hours a day and eat 1500 calories. Even though I KNOW that's absurd I still can't shake the negative feeling I'm left with. So enough of that nonsense, and no more trashy American weight loss reality shows for me (trashy American OTHER reality shows will remain a highlight of my life).

I've to go out to dinner again tomorrow which I'm slightly dreading. I wish I could lose this anxiety about social occasions. I feel like I can't really win  - usually I'm anxious because of how I look; when I'm on a diet I'm still anxious because of how I look AND because I worry about calories. This is not an attitude I want to have. I want to be relaxed about eating out and eat in moderation etc, but the dieting thing is new at the moment (although I do have lifelong practice) and so I feel a bit shaky on my spindly newborn dieter legs. I don't want to fall off the wagon, and I'm not sure how much I should eat to keep the weight loss on track.

Looming large at the end of this week is the weekend away - which I'm feeling even more anxious about. It's one thing to have a meal out, but this will be 9 meals out in a row. Plus the usual looks/weight induced panics brought on by a series of social engagements forcing me out of track suit pants and into the public eye.

Anyway. All I can do is try to be sensible. My meal plans for the rest of the week -

Wednesday
Breakfast - egg on toast
Lunch - sweet potato mash, spinach with garlic, pan fried chorizo (a riff on a Nigel Slater idea but using the cured instead of fresh sausage)
Dinner out

Thursday
Breakfast - oat scone
Lunch - same as Wednesday
Snack - cooked blueberries with Greek yogurt
Dinner - rice, tomato, red lentils and onion - a recipe from Claudia Roden's amazing Jewish food cookbook

Friday
Breakfast - muesli
Lunch - probably some kind of M&S ready meal
Dinner - out ... First of many over the weekend

Facts and figures

So, I finally weighed myself, and it's not great. I've put on at least 3 kilos since last weighing myself and have to lose 25.7 kgs to get to the uppermost healthy weight for my height. And I am kind of wishing I'd just bitten the bullet and weighed myself at the start of this because I don't know if I've lost anything so far.

Of course, I'm immediately trying to calculate how much I can lose by when, and I don't want to fall into that trap too much because it always seems to set me up for disappointment. However... Do you think I can lose that by Christmas? Probably not, if I'm being honest. That would be a loss of more than a kilo a week and I know that's a bit unrealistic, especially if I want to do it in a more reasonable fashion and still eat out occasionally and so on.

I feel like I need at least one time based goal to help keep me on track. Maybe I'll keep it small at first  - so my first goal is 2.8 kilos in 3 weeks, which will get me into the next weight bracket.

Clothing misery

For me, there's nothing more demoralising than having to get dressed to go out. Getting dressed to go anywhere, even out to walk the dog or down to the shops, is pretty misery inducing, but having to get dressed up for a night out is even worse. At the moment I pretty much live in two stretchy black dresses, for literally everything. I don't think my friends have seen me in anything else for months and months and months. One dress is even developing little fraying patches so I know it's not long for this world (and also looking ratty). I couldn't bear to wear the same thing tonight, so I hauled out the contents of my wardrobe and tried so many things on. Most I couldn't get into any more. Some I'd never been able to wear - bought them when they were a little too snug and optimistically hung on to them. I actually have SO MANY CLOTHES. I used to love clothes, back when I could go shopping in a normal shop. Now I have a wardrobe full of things bought in desperation that I still never wear. I've settled on a navy high neck dress I used to wear to work, which is now rather too tight, but as it has a sheer overlay layer that is a little looser, I'm hoping to get away with it. I'm trying to dress it up with a coloured belt and some kind of statement jewellery - the last refuge of the fashion conscious fat girl.

I wish it were less depressing tonight, given I'm currently doing fairly well at the dieting. But it's not. It's just as awful as ever.

Coming out of the closet

It's so hard to tell people I want to lose weight. Everything I've read suggests telling people = accountability = higher chance of success, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm too ashamed. It's as though if I told people I was on a diet it would be an acknowledgment of how fat I am now. It's not as though they can't see perfectly well for themselves, but part of me feels a bit like some defenceless creature trying to escape a predator - don't make any sudden movements, don't do or say anything, and they won't know you're here.

When I was much lighter, I would happily talk about weight loss. It was fine if I only needed to lose 5 or 10 kilos. But now it's more like 25 or 30 kilos, I'm too embarrassed to address it. Whenever people mention weight loss themselves, I just freeze up and hope the conversation moves on, assuming they must all be thinking to themselves how I'm the one who really needs to lose some weight.

Yesterday at lunch I told my friend I didn't want to share her chips and mayonnaise "because it was too hot" (although I did in fact end up eating some) and that I got my salad dressing on the side "because I'm fussy about salads". I also said I was going to bring my own diet drinks to the party tomorrow night "because I'm cutting out sugar for a couple of weeks". All completely absurd subterfuges, but I just can't bring myself to tell anyone.

Foodwise was fine yesterday, even with the small handful of chips I ate. Today and tonight will be a bit of a challenge but as I said, I'll be bringing my own diet mixers to have with alcohol and carefully track how many drinks I'm having. Food will be difficult. I think on days like this I'm just going to aim for a maintenance level of calories, which is more realistic. Trying to keep it low in calories during the day, with smoked salmon on toast for breakfast and an almost Niçoise salad (minus the tuna and the potato) for lunch. Plus a long walk in the afternoon.

I still haven't weighed myself. I actually had every intention of doing it this morning but then I forgot and ate breakfast and had cups of tea, so now I don't want to do it. Silly, but I want to be weighed first thing in the morning on an empty stomach to try to get the lowest number possible...

Impatience

The trouble with having a big amount of weight to lose, is that it takes a big amount of time to do it. I so desperately wish I could just take a pill and wave a magic wand to do it, not just because of the work it takes, but more because of how crippled by self-loathing I feel a lot of the time. And that seems to make it harder to keep dieting, because sooner or later I'll get overwhelmed and want to comfort myself, or decide there's no point because I am hopeless and destined to fail, or that I'm not worth it, and sometimes even, that perhaps I deserve to be overweight because I've had luck in other areas of my life, and maybe I'm also not a very good person and it serves me right. All completely melodramatic of course, and I'm a bit embarrassed even to be writing this down and admitting it to myself.

Of course, none of that is very productive and just ends up in the self defeating circle of weight gain and misery. Blah blah blah, it's all a rich tapestry (to borrow from the Simpsons). I'd like to keep the navel gazing to a minimum because I don't know how helpful it is to wallow, and I've had these thoughts for so long and it takes up SO MUCH of my time, I'm bored with it.

The trouble with being impatient also is that I expect unreasonable results. Some clothes I'd ordered arrived in the mail today, and somehow part of me was a bit disappointed that they weren't too big, as though 7 days of minor diet changes and minimal exercise could make a discernible difference. Rationally I knew it couldn't, but I was still a little sad, gazing at my uninspiring pile of stretchy black fabric in size extra large.

I really must get around to weighing myself at some point too, but I haven't had the emotional energy to do it, worrying about what it will say. Of course if I keep putting it off I'll still be upset with the number but won't get the satisfaction of knowing if I've lost any, so I can't keep putting it off.

Food wise I've been fine today. 

Breakfast - oatmeal scone

Morning snack - low fat cheese

Lunch - M&S Harissa chicken salad and kale chips

Planned dinner is vegetarian burgers on English muffins. Maybe a few squares of dark chocolate for dessert.

Tomorrow I'm going out to lunch, and on Saturday night out for dinner and then karaoke. Not sure what my plan is yet. I checked the menu for tomorrow's restaurant and have tentatively chosen what I think is a reasonable option, so let's see.

Dinner out fail

Ok, last night did not go exactly according to plan. I managed to keep calories low the rest of the day, but I did no exercise apart from taking the dog for a short walk, and then things kind of fell apart at dinner. Part of this was not my fault - I would have ordered a sensible(ish) meal had it been a la carte, but turned out the restaurant was a 6 course degustation. I also ate two bits of not even very good bread, slathered in butter, as well as had four glasses of wine. I don't think they were all full standard drinks, but still. And the meal itself was not actually too heavy - as far as 6 course degustation meals go.

So, massive fail on all of my planned strategies, but I guess the one good thing is that I feel back on track today, and am not letting one night lead me astray or make me wallow in guilt.

Plan for today is -

Breakfast - rather heavy and dense low fat oatmeal scone

Lunch - green bean, potato, tuna salad with parsley vinaigrette

Snack - Greek yogurt with strawberries

Dinner - Smitten Kitchen one pot farro with tomatoes, topped with low fat feta cheese

Dinner out

Today has gone according to plan, happily. When I am motivated and can plan in advance things can go quite smoothly. Tomorrow, however, is a different kettle of fish. It's the tenth anniversary of my husband's and my first date, so we're going out for a meal. When this was mooted last week, I considered saying no, but decided that I really need to work my whole weight loss caper into normal life. There have been plenty of social occasions I've passed up in the past because I was in the zealous stage of a new diet, and it clearly never got me anywhere since I'm as fat as I ever was.

I don't actually know the restaurant we're going to. The Husband booked it and I told him to keep it a surprise, although I am slightly wondering whether I should ask him so I can do some recce on the menu.

I'd love to be able to eat out and stay on track, and I know plenty of people manage it, but I am feeling a little apprehensive. I think my plan of attack will be to avoid bread, stick to two glasses of wine, and try to steer clear of the more indulgent items (except when it comes to dessert... I don't think I can stomach a celebratory meal without dessert - pun intended). Plus I'll keep the calories low during the day and do extra exercise.

If the meal out does completely ruin my weight loss this week, I will have no way of knowing, since I haven't weighed myself. I know I need to get on to that soon. Even more so because at the end of next week there's an even bigger challenge coming up - a four day holiday with friends.

So far so good

Sunday so far has gone to plan, and the good news from today is that my dog, who has been recovering from major surgery, has been given the green light to start walks again. Good news for the pup, and also for me since it forces me back into daily exercise. Where I live it is pretty unpleasantly hot and humid so I hate exercising outside around 8 months of the year, but it's not like  I ever exercised inside either. I hate gyms (although I did have a successful run with one a few years ago) and I always feel so uncomfortably out of place among the skinny gym bunnies. This is compounded by the fact that I live in a big Asian city where everyone is super super skinny and fashion conscious. I feel so out of place sometimes that I'm even reluctant to say exactly where I am, even in this anonymous unread blog, because I feel like as That Fat White Girl I am easily identifiable (not actually true, rationally speaking).

The plan for tomorrow is-
Breakfast - leftover cooked potato omelette with a bit of goats cheese and spring onions
Lunch- tomato soup and toast
Dinner - Yotam Ottolenghi's conchiglie with yogurt, chilli, and peas, from the Jerusalem cookbook. (With significantly less olive oil, and low fat yogurt and feta)

While tallying up the calorie total for said day, I was exchanging messages with my good friend who is an aid worker, currently in a war torn country in Africa. It made me feel unbelievably ashamed that the biggest concern in my life is eating too much. Even more true at the moment because I am currently unemployed (I used to work at an NGO with this friend of mine and we recently both lost our jobs due to budget cuts; she went on to an amazing new do-gooding job immediately, I went on to sitting at home and mainlining ice cream like it was going out of style.

Anyway, I must remember that one if the items on my "what works" list is not falling into self-loathing, so I have to shut those thoughts down. The Husband is currently off on a 2 hour jog, and I am going to follow his example (scaled down) and do some strength exercises.

Food plans

Today went ok-ish, although I didn't really get into the exercise. I walked to and from the supermarket which probably was around a 20 minute trip so I counted that and considered myself done. Must do better tomorrow.

Food wise was fine except that I made some low fat blackberry scones for breakfast tomorrow, but I was a bit concerned the flour was old they didn't smell that amazing when they came out of the oven. So I wasted some calories tasting them and concluded that indeed that wholemeal flour was stale and there was a strong baking powder taste. So into the bin they went.

So today I had

Breakfast - boiled egg and 2 bacon rashers 

Lunch - leftover tofu and veg from last night in rice paper wrappers 

Snacks - pineapple and blueberries; popcorn, aforementioned gross stale scone 

Dinner - Bill Granger Indian tomato and salmon curry (bulked out with green beans, cauliflower and spinach, which I had in the fridge), rice

Plan for tomorrow is-

Breakfast - oat and honey scone, pineapple

Lunch - poached chicken, potato, green bean salad

Snack - granola bar, piece of cheese

Dinner - Linda McCartney vegetarian sausages, stuffing from a package, some kind of veg (haute cuisine indeed)

Goals and Reminders

Well, day 1 went pretty well. I stuck to the plan with some minor variations (added half a banana to the snack and some vermicelli to dinner) and did 20 minutes of exercise (I know, a bit pathetic, but I'm trying to take small steps at first).

Inspired by Seren's post on what has worked for her this year and what goals she has, I thought I'd write my own list. Unfortunately I don't have anything to put in the plus column for this year, I've utterly wasted 6 months (and not just wasted - I've actually put on weight). But I can pinpoint things that have worked for me in the past and I'm going to try to replicate them.

What works for me:
No limitations or specifications of any kind - so no Atkins, South Beach, Paleo, what have you. I am not good at cutting out food groups.
Not restricting too much in general - 1500-1600 calories per day is my goal
Meal planning (for every meal)
Incorporating desserts, meals out etc so I don't feel deprived - this usually requires exercise
Not trying to be too virtuous and 100% perfect. It's hard enough trying to eat better and restrict calories, I can tie myself up in knots and absolutely beat myself up about not eating like some perfectly healthy whole foods yoga goddess. Near enough is good enough. I need to keep eating what I like, and what I can see myself eating forever. I love pasta, so I'm going to keep eating it frequently - just be measured about volume and accompaniments
Asking The Husband to be mindful of what he buys/eats. I wish I could just happily sit by feeling un-deprived while he scarfs 3 kinds of cheese after dinner, but I just can't. The Husband is sadly one of those people who can eat whatever he wants in huge quantities and remain skinny (lucky bastard). Obviously I don't want to restrict him eating whatever he wants (and enough of it) but I will ask him not to buy crisps and so on, and perhaps also remind him to make an effort to eat lunch (he's also one of those people who will skip meals, which I have never understood) so he doesn't then need to eat the huge quantities of cheese for a second dinner.
Keeping track of what I eat - which for now means lots of tedious daily food blogs
Being positive and trying not to fall into my usual morass of self loathing. Cliched but true, I need to be a bit gentle on myself
Constantly, constantly, constantly reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race. I have a tendency to despair at the amount of weight I have to lose and how long it will take me, which leads me to give up, counter productive though I know that is

Things I haven't really tried, but all the diet powers that be say are good ideas - What to try:
Asking myself before eating anything whether it brings me further or closer to my goal, and if I really want to eat it
Actively distracting myself when the urge to eat/ binge comes upon me a taking a walk or waiting for ten minutes to see if the desire is still there
Writing a list of reasons why I want to lose weight and revisiting it
And of course, mindfulness, seemingly the weight loss watchword of the moment
Also I read recently that clenching your fists while ordering in a restaurant actually gives you more willpower to stick to your plan, which is interesting. I'd link to the article but not savvy enough to work out how to do that yet.

Current Goals
Track my food
Try 3 new recipes every week
Exercise 20 minutes daily
Strength training every second day

That's probably enough to start with! I haven't planned my food for the day yet but I'll be back to post again at some stage.

Day 1

I figure I can use this blogging caper as a way to do all those things that have been recommended to me over the years but I've always felt too awkward to do - writing a journal to try to deal with emotional eating (I refuse to use the word "journalling" - journal is a noun, people!) making pros and cons lists, setting goals, etc.

So here we go then.

I am currently Very Fat. Yes, with capital letters. I have not always been fat (although I have always thought I was fat, which probably says a lot about my relationship with food and my body - I look at photos of myself at 21 and gasp at how lithe and slender I was, when I would have sworn to you, hand on heart, that I was chubby). But I have definitely been fat for the last 6-7 years, so I can no longer claim that this is just a little blip, a bit of weight gain I can shed quickly. Fat is my new normal. I won't get into why I got so fat but suffice to say I have the usual common and garden variety emotional eating problems and also have had a history of serious bingeing. Although the bingeing has mainly gone away I haven't been able to shed the habit of eating enormous servings of calorie laden food whenever I'm a bit sad, or bored, or just feel like I deserve it. That's another thing - I also love food - love cooking new things, restaurants, going out to eat. So losing weight all seems a bit insurmountable, even though I must have managed to reconcile it all at one stage (see my former slender 21 year old self).

I have started innumerable diets in my life, and occasionally been successful, so I guess I just have to try to make it stick this time. Part of me has the firm conviction that because I didn't manage to lose weight for my wedding 4 years ago (the whole wedding dress debacle was so painful I can't even look at wedding photos) I will never manage it. Surely everyone loses weight for their wedding - so if that's not enough motivation for me, am I destined to fail?

Anyway, no point dwelling on that. The fact is I am very overweight (I daren't even whisper the word obese but I think technically, that's what I am), I feel so uncomfortable, clothes look awful on me, I am shamefully unfit, and I am miserable. So I can't let that continue.

I didn't dare get on the scales this morning but I know I have to deal with them at some stage. But today I just want to achieve one small goal - stick to my food plan, and do 20 minutes of exercise.

Plan is:
Breakfast - 1 boiled egg and 2 rashers of bacon
Lunch - 1/2 pot Marks and Spencer super green soup, 2 small slices of toast, 30g cheese
Snack - low fat Greek yogurt with 1 teaspoon honey
Dinner - Tofu, mushroom, cabbage stir fry. Possibly made into some kind of roll with rice paper wrappers.

I was going to write "snack - optional" but who am I kidding. And I know I need to be wary of the tendency, in the initial throes of enthusiasm, to keep cutting back and cutting back until I rebel in spectacular fashion)

I've managed to get to midday, breakfast ticked off. Now I just have to hold out.

This is the way the blog starts, not with a bang but a whimper.

I love reading weight loss blogs, but never seem to do any actual weight losing. So I thought I'd try penning one myself and seeing how that goes.

I realise my audience will probably consist of me, myself and I.

Still - stay tuned, self.