On clothes and canine affection (among other things)

Weigh-in this week: 85.3kgs

Down over 2kgs! Very happy with my progress although not very happy with the super expensive scales that gave me 3 different readings - I got on and off 5 times. It seems to change depending on my posture/centre of gravity. I got 85.4, 85.2, and 85.3, so I'm just splitting the difference.

I did two fast days in a row this week which I'm not anxious to repeat. In fact I struggled a bit on day 2 and ended up at 585 calories, but I'm not going to worry about that. Planning another fast day tomorrow as I'll be on a plane most of the day. I'm actually being very organised and making some pumpkin falafel that I'll take with me to eat instead of plane food.

We packed off our dog to holiday camp (ie boarding kennels) this morning and he seemed thrilled to bits to leave us, which made me almost jealous! Although obviously I'm very happy he enjoys it there. I'm very needy when it comes to animal affection though - I adore animals and as is always the way, I'm never the one they seem to cling to - our dog loves H the most by far, even though I'm spending all day every day with him, taking him on walks etc. My family cat pesters my mother for all his basic needs, wakes her up at 5am to be fed, and then goes back to bed and snuggles up against my oblivious dad. You do have to play hard to get with animals I feel.

This morning unencumbered by dog walking duties I did a bit of a wardrobe clean out - or started it anyway. Got rid of a whole bunch of stuff to donate and also put into storage some of the too small clothes that were sitting there accusingly in my cupboard. I feel much better about the idea that they're tucked out of sight. I'll try to do the rest this afternoon after my falafel making venture, although I also have to pack, since we leave early tomorrow and tonight I'm off to see David Sedaris! Very excited about that. He's doing a book signing after his show but I don't think I'll stay for that - mainly just because of the time it would take, but I also feel like I wouldn't know what to do if I actually met a celebrity in the flesh. I can't understand those people who chase them down for photos to be honest - how awkward.

Anyway, It's been a good week overall so far and I'm feeling positive. Let's hope I can ride this wave of happiness for a while!

Plans for the week

Not the best tactic for getting back on the dieting wagon, but I went out to lunch today. I fear I overdid it a bit - yes, the idea of the 5:2 diet is that you can have the occasional indulgence/meal out but that doesn't mean I should have ordered three courses or partaken quite so enthusiastically of the petit fours that came with coffee. I realise my goal of losing around 1kg a week is rather too optimistic. Which is a shame, because even despite having noticeably lost weight (noticeable to me, it's not visible to others yet) I looked and felt as dumpy and unfashionable as possible at lunch today. I'm so sick of spending money on, and desperately cobbling together, outfits that still make me feel crap. But I've had a whinge about that before so I should just shut my mouth and get on with it.

I haven't weighed myself for a while now, and I keep putting it off because I want to choose the exact right time - not after a fast day when it's artificially low, but not after a big meal out. I know that's all a bit ridiculous - I should just be looking at overall trends - so I've decided that I definitely have to weigh myself on Thursday, before I go on holiday, and that's that.

I've realised I'll have to forego dinner tonight given my huge lunch and the bad couple of days last week, and I'm also trying to fast two days in a row from Monday. I don't have much planned for Monday or Tuesday, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad, vis a vis ease of fasting. I've decided to schedule 3 meals a day which I do find a little easier than having 1 or 2 bigger ones. I won't get the supposed health benefits that accrue from fasting periods, but I think for weight loss it's just the calorie restriction that counts the most. Anyway, meal plans as follows:

Monday
Breakfast - boiled egg and tea
Lunch - boiled egg, sliver of cheese
Dinner - chicken with yogurt, saffron, and lemon (from the Persiana cookbook, an impulse purchase last week - everything in it looks lovely)

Tuesday
Breakfast - boiled egg and tea
Lunch - broccoli soup
Dinner - chicken with paprika, fennel seeds, broad beans and leeks.

A lot of chicken seems to be consumed on fasting days which is a little dull (especially since it's chicken breast) but it's a good low cal filling option.

I really, really hope the scales are kind to me on Thursday. I'll have to buckle down and do my best to help them along.

Positive thinking

I managed my fast day today, with relatively little difficulty. I think my overwhelming feeling is just relief, that I managed to get back on the wagon. Partly it was easy because I woke up still feeling stuffed and slightly ill. But also, I think, because the fast day limits my choices so severely. Often after a binge or slide off the rails the question of what to eat can feel so loaded, so immense, it's almost overwhelming. When you've only got 500 calories to play with, I just default to one of my usual small number of options. Or maybe I got back on track because I still have a bit of determination to lose this bloody weight. Whatever it is, I'm not exactly feeling good about the whole debacle, or even overly optimistic about the future, but I'm feeling calmer, and I've managed to draw a line under it, which in itself is a godsend.

I've still been cringingly reliving my awful interview and exam on an almost hourly basis. But at least I've managed today to cope in a relatively normal way. 

Once more...

The downward trend continues, and sadly I'm not speaking of my weight.

To top off my atrocious job interview yesterday, today I sat and failed an exam. I can re-sit in a couple of months, but it still put a huge dampener on the day and my somewhat fragile mood and ego took a beating. Rather than sensibly taking yesterday's experience as a warning/lesson, I dove head first into a pack of biscuits, some wine, a big oily pasta, a huge wodge of cake (I did throw the rest away at least) and ice cream. God knows how far over my calories I went! Feeling quite miserable now, especially since the items in question weren't even that enjoyable! What a waste. I've been thinking recently how I've wasted so many calories/kilos gained in my life on food that just wasn't that good! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I think the only thing to do is just get back on the wagon with a strict fast day tomorrow (even more needed since I've only done one this week). Perhaps that way I can at least fend off weight gain, but so much for my pre holiday weight loss goals.

Sigh. Onward weightloss soldiers, I guess.

Old habits

Oh dear... I've been doing so well. And thinking just last night that maybe this is sticking.
However I've just had the most god awful job interview... I wasn't that prepared, and then I was inarticulate and in those "tell me about a time when..." Questions, I used hopeless and incredibly  long-winded, unflattering examples rather than perfectly apt good examples (in fewer words).

They did not sound impressed. There were numerous silences. And this was a job I really liked the sound of...

Off the phone and within 20 minutes I've had a cocktail, a mini packet of chips, a bag of Cadbury buttons, and 3 biscuits.

Time to deploy the Latrice Royale 5 Gs: GOOD GOD GIRL GET A GRIP

Weigh-in

I think I spoke to soon about the steady weight loss - today I had a 0.5kg gain! Extremely dispiriting. Saturday I did eat and drink way too much but my calories over the course of the week still averaged out at 1500/day. Am I kidding myself if I try to reassure myself it's just water weight? I really, really wanted to see an 86 on the scale this morning.

Today is supposed to be my fast day but I made lunch plans, thinking I could just fast tomorrow. I forgot that I also had dinner plans tomorrow. I can't fast Friday either which leaves me with Wednesday and Thursday (I really don't want to fast on the weekend if possible). I'm tossing up trying to have 1 proper fast day and 2 1000 calorie days, or just try to be hardcore and do the two fast days in a row. Perhaps I'll see how things go today.

Perhaps I'll weigh myself again tomorrow, too. 

Mildly tipsy

About to leave for this hens night do for my friend's fiancée. Have had some realisations:

(1) there is nothing more depressing than getting overexcited about weight loss and optimistically trying on small sized clothes that clearly need much more weight loss to fit into
(2) it is so depressing that the threshold for an outfit I leave the house in is basically "it fits". I used to love clothes! God, I wish I could get back to that point.
(3) tiny apartments are not built for fat induced clothes anxiety. I have torn out everything from my cupboards and it's all over the bloody floor
(4) a pre-dinner bourbon to take the edge off walking into a room of strangers will lead to overly confessional blog posts. But hey, I love overly confessional blog posts. Maybe this will score me a readership of more than 2. (Hi Lesley and Seren!)

Getting somewhere

Something strange is happening. I seem to actually be losing weight, consistently. I haven't had this good a streak of weight loss in years.

Today put me at 87.8, so I'm losing about 1kg per week, which in happy with. I'm sticking religiously to the fast days, and eating about 1500 calories on other days - except when I have a meal out or social occasion etc. Luckily we had a quiet week after getting back from Singapore so I was able to get back on track straight away. This Saturday however I have to go to the hen's night of a friend's fiancée. I like her fine, but I will only know one other person, and I'm not exactly looking forward to the occasion. Putting aside my usual anxiety about social situations with lots of new people, I also have to brave the closet gauntlet and find something appropriate to wear. However, the prospect of eating and drinking a large number of calories is, mercifully, not that high amongst my worries. This I think is the beauty of the 5:2 plan for me, since it seems that I really can just not worry about the odd blow-out. One day earlier this week, I just didn't seem to have the willpower to stick completely to plan so I had an extra snack, a cocktail, and a chocolate - but because I ended up around maintenance level for the day, it didn't bother me and send me into horrible guilt. I don't know how I would do if I was always eating my full allowance on the non-fast days, and I'm not quite ready to try that yet, but I hope I can get there at some point. My weight loss would presumably slow down but I do want to get into the habit of normal eating, which is a skill I haven't really had for a long time.

I remain anxious about losing more weight for upcoming trips, but that's pretty much my regular state of being. Trying not to obsess over it too much.

Meal plans for the rest of the week:

Wednesday
Breakfast - wholegrain muffin with labna, toasted sesame seeds, and smoked sea salt
Lunch - sourdough toast with smoked trout, pickled beetroot, walnuts, basil, drizzle of olive oil
Dinner - pasta with a "pesto" of goats cheese and kale

Might sneak a cheeky bag of cadbury chocolate buttons in too.

Thursday (fast day)
Breakfast - Fried eggs (one whole egg, one white only) with a tiny amount of cheese
Dinner - sweet and sour chicken (sauce made of tomato paste, sugar, vinegar, soy, shiaoxing rice wine, and cornflour) with onion and peppers

Friday
Breakfast - Omelet with truffle oil
Lunch - pasta with roasted peppers, anchovies, and goats cheese
Dinner - home made burgers (on English muffins for "low pointage" as I used to say on WW) with Harissa mayonnaise