Full steam ahead

I'm back from holidays, and have 3 weeks at home before I head off once again, back to Australia to visit family. It shouldn't be too hard to stay on track there but there is always more than the usual amount of socialising, celebrating, etc, and straight after Australia I head to Europe for another 3 and a bit weeks, so I have to make this next little bit of time really count.

I didn't do too badly in Singapore, but I didn't do as well as I hoped. I rarely refused dessert, did not manage to skip many meals (just breakfast on a couple of days) and ate too many unnecessary things (damn communal cheese plates!). I didn't do as much exercise as I intended either. However... It was not as bad as it could have been, and since willpower is a finite resource, I should let myself off the hook a little bit. I managed a fast day on the journey back, didn't too badly yesterday, and then today I'm onto my second fast day of the week. To manage to get back on track as soon as the holiday ended was a pretty big accomplishment for me, really. And I had a lovely and relaxing time - I really like Singapore, despite its dull reputation - so I should just enjoy the post holiday glow a bit more.

I haven't yet braved the scales, but may do so tomorrow. I'm really hoping for a loss, but have to make sure I don't overreact if I don't get one. I'm quite surprised at how easy I've found the fasting, to be honest. It does feel at the moment like this is something I could maintain for a fairly extended period of time, so I'm optimistic. I just have to make sure my optimism doesn't come with unrealistic expectations. I desperately want to lose weight before the Europe holiday and am kind of hoping I can drop a dress size, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't expect a miracle and I'm not going to suddenly wake up all beautiful and sylph-like. Even a dress size is a big ask, since it's probably at least 6 kilos away, and I've only 5 weeks to go. Perhaps I'll see what the scales say, and recalibrate my goals from there...

Greetings from Singapore

Hello from the worlds most orderly tropical holiday destination! It's  actually lovely to be here, so quiet and peaceful, plus the company of great friends is very welcome. I must say, though, dieting on holiday has proved trickier than I thought. I think I can work my way around it, but I don't think I'll be able to manage fast days. This has some serious implications for how I'm going to manage my month long European trip in October.

I made Wednesday a fast day because I was travelling and thought it would be easier, but it's by far the toughest one I've done yet. Maybe because I got up so early and was struggling on so little sleep, or maybe because there was a lot of sitting around. But I was seriously hungry for a lot of the day. Then when I arrived we went out to dinner at a French restaurant - I think you can imagine I did not stick to my remaining 380 odd calories. But overall I think I did ok. I had a third of a charcuterie plate with 2 small pieces of baguette, sole meunière with fried fennel, a spoonful of chocolate mousse and half a Madeleine. So I think in the end I would have at least come in around 1500 calories, which for the day, is not bad. So I think meal skipping, rather than proper fasting, might be the way to go. No breakfast this morning, and lunch was a turkey, Swiss cheese, and cranberry sauce sandwich. We're eating in tonight, something low key like a frittata, which is a godsend. Planning to eat leftovers of that (if there are any) for lunch tomorrow, then dinner is lamb shoulder or something along those lines - my friend's husband is cooking.

Next fast day is Tuesday, when we fly home. I won't be so sleep deprived then, so maybe it will be easier. In the meantime I'm trying to relax a bit (I spent far too long agonising over my lunch choices today, both before and afterwards) and enjoy myself. Planning on walking around some gardens, visiting a ceramics exhibition - the usual thrill rides.

Checking in

I got the results of my blood test back today, and all is normal. Phew! I've been in an absolute lather of worry about it since Friday, so it feels literally as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The up-side to this whole palaver (apart from not having diabetes, obviously) is that perhaps it portends a change in outlook. It's not as though I've not been aware of all the health problems I'm at risk of, and wanting to do something about it, it just hasn't seemed quite real.

Tomorrow I am travelling so I'm going to do my fast then instead of Thursday. Plan is for a small breakfast (Apple and coffee) at 7ish when I set off, then nothing until dinner. I am a bit worried about how I will navigate the next week - we're staying with friends who, like us, love a good meal, and visits to their house have historically been unrelentingly gluttonous, with a combination of numerous meals out and elaborate home made indulgences. I think I will just have to keep an eye on portions, limit alcohol, and perhaps skip one or two lunches in lieu of actual fasting. And, sadly, I'd best say no to dessert... If not every time, then most of the time, at least. Realistically, there is no way I'm going on a week's holiday and not eating dessert at all!

Fast Day #2

Today is my second fast day. The plan is to skip breakfast, and eat a very small lunch (some M&S grilled calamari) then a heftier dinner (chicken saltimbocca with green beans and roasted cherry tomatoes).

I'm going on a long walk this morning to distract myself. And also hopefully ease some of this health related anxiety that's been dogging me for days.

As far as my weight is going, I had a sneak peak last Wednesday and was very happy with what the scales said - down 2.4kgs to 90.2. Bearing in mind that is also the difference between being weighed fully clothed in the afternoon on different scales, I was still pretty pleased, and so I stepped on this morning confident that I'd finally get back under 90 - only to see it stay the same. I know I shouldn't let that worry me, but I had counted on having a bit of a mental boost this morning. I think I would be more ok with it if it hadn't been for the fact that Saturday was a fairly boozy, indulgent day, so of course I immediately thought to myself that that must have ruined everything as a result.

But I mustn't let it get me down! Perhaps I should weigh once every two weeks, instead. The Fast Diet book also suggests taking measurements - I tried this as well but when I measured myself again one measurement was 10cm more than the first, and the other was a full 5cm less. Something tells me I didn't quite manage to do it correctly the first time. So along with intermittent fasting, perhaps intermittent weighing is the way to go.

Hypochondria here we go

My day 1 fast day has thus far been a success. Due in not too small a part, I think, to my obsessive worrying about my health which kept me occupied all day. I'm terrified I've diabetes. I've read about the symptoms and considered them so long I don't know if I actually have any. Probably not? But maybe? They're fairly vague, a lot of them. The thought fills me with dread. Anyway, the worrying is clearly sticking around, so I've made an appointment to go and see a doctor tomorrow. I dread getting the expected lecture/advice related to my weight but I suppose it's to be expected. I know the blood test requires fasting, so I plan to skip breakfast in the hopes they can do it straight away.

It's now almost dinner time. I had plans for little tasks and things I could occupy my day with today when I got hungry but I haven't done any of them. Just say here reading and fretting. Oh well, I guess it worked, at least.

I've just seen on the news a story about how obesity is linked to 10 kinds of cancer, and that's riling me up too. I don't understand why, it's not as though any of this is news to me, and I'm not the worrying type (about my health, that is). But I have this panicky feeling that I'm stuck in this scary dangerous spot and it's going to take me forever to extricate myself.

Fast Diet Fling

So I've decided to have a stab at this 5:2 intermittent fasting thing. Not without a fair bit of trepidation, it must be said. I don't know if it's sustainable for me, as I've never been the type to skip meals or forget about eating. I'm also worried it might lead me into a cycle of restriction/bingeing, which I know I'm prone to. But I've not had success so far, and since I do want to keep eating out and having a life, this does have its appeal. I've also read that some people find it helps them become more intuitive eaters - that holy grail - so it's worth a try. I'm still going to stick to 1500ish calories on the non-fast days, which is not technically how you're supposed to do it, but I want to see some results quickly, and with various holidays and meals out I have planned I don't think eating in maintenance mode for the rest of the time will cut it.

On Monday I dipped my toe into the fasting waters by eating 745 calories - you're supposed to only eat 500 according to the diet. I also ate three meals during day, which is not the recommended way to eat on your fast days (although it is supposed to be flexible in this regard). It was hard, let me tell you! And to be honest, back on 1500 today, I didn't find it that much easier - it still felt like I was hungry a fair bit of the day. So I may be way too optimistic in thinking I can manage 500 on Thursday. But I may as well give it a go.

I think I'll need to experiment with how to space my calories out on the fasting days. Ideal is apparently breakfast and dinner, or just dinner. But some people still do 3 meals a day, or lunch and dinner. I'm starting off with breakfast and dinner. The plan is to have 2 boiled eggs and tea in the morning, then a Bill Granger asian chicken salad for dinner.

Saturday I'm off to a champagne brunch so I'm not going to bother trying to count calories for that, and just do some exercise and eat lightly the rest of the day to compensate. Monday will be my next fast day, and then I'm off to visit a friend on Wednesday. I'm not sure whether to try to fast Wednesday - the morning at least will be occupied by travel - or just not to bother fasting until I come home Monday. I guess I'll see how it goes and play it by ear. Hopefully the good thing about this little experiment is that if I'm eating 1500 most days anyway, it doesn't matter if I slip up in the fasting department - as long as too much restriction doesn't drive me batty and send me headlong into a family size block of cadbury's. I do want to try to avoid that, while being mindful of the fact that when I have a lot of social activities on, there are plenty of non-restricted days too. Tomorrow my rough plan amounts to 1650, which I think is not unreasonable. Then Thursday, it's full steam ahead with the fasting.

Considering a change

I've managed to keep to my plan for 3 days in a row now, if you can count today, which included a meal out, and therefore aiming for maintenance calories rather than weight loss calories. Still! I kept it together, I didn't eat too much, and I only had one glass of wine - although I did have a few spoonfuls from other peoples desserts, which they pushed on me - not an exculpation of my responsibility, but I did think that if they all knew I was trying to lose weight they probably wouldn't be so forceful. Still, the idea of telling them I'm dieting is unbearable. Too big an admission of my own flaws and self hatred, too great a risk I'll fail and embarrass myself.

In fact, there was a discussion of weight loss at the table this evening, since two of them are doing the 5:2 intermittent fasting, and one of them was expressing an interest in it since she said she's gained weight recently, and she also wants her husband to get a bit healthier. It was all I could do not to melt into the floor in embarrassment - surely they're all thinking, even if in a non-judgmental, involuntary way, "god, SHE could really stand to lose a few pounds!". It just felt like the elephant in the room - or more accurately, I felt like the elephant in the room. These people, I hasten to add, do not remotely need to lose weight. They're skinny, skinny women, the largest perhaps is a size 8 at most, I'm guessing. Meanwhile, in desperation trying to find something to wear tonight, I had to resort to old suit skirt in a size 16 and it was definitely snugger than it was 6 months ago. A depressing realisation, when I'd been beginning to get a bit of diet momentum back.

Even though I said at the beginning of all this that I couldn't do any faddish, restrictive diets, I am tempted by this 5:2 thing, or even a variation of, just to give myself a bit more of a buffer for meals out, and occasional tumbles off the wagon. Perhaps even just try to have one day a week where I aim for fewer than 1000 calories?

Diet flail

(Forgive the title)

I'm still flailing a bit. I've come down with a cold which has made me sorry for myself, lacking in motivation to cook, and liable to feeling like I should just treat myself to that chocolate because after all, I'm not well!

I went to the doctor yesterday (not about the cold, obviously) and he weighed me, and I saw I'd put on more weight - I'm now 92.6. So after 4.5 weeks, I'm 100g less than I was at the start. It's hard not to be hopelessly demoralised by that but I have to try. So I'm back on the horse, hopefully. Trying to think of easy meals that are still diet-friendly, and just cling on for a couple of days, until my mojo returns.

So today I'm planning on vegetable stew with lentils for lunch, baked eggplant in tomato sauce for dinner. Any other bright ideas, send them my way.

I have a fair bit of travel planned for the next few months, both home to see family and also visiting friends in various places. I'm dreading seeing people in the state I'm in. If I could just get a little slimmer, that would help. If I could just get to the point where I have more than 3 outfit choices! Surely that's not too much to ask...

Day 1, v.2.0

Things have not been going well. After a difficult start to the week last week I just increasingly lost my ability to keep it together, my motivation disappeared, and to put it bluntly, everything just went to crap.

So I am hoping today I can get myself back together and start tracking and calorie counting again.

I'm trying not to be too angry with myself - not because I don't deserve it, but because it's counterproductive - but it's hard. Falling so spectacularly off the wagon after only 3 weeks of dieting is quite a feat. I didn't weigh myself this morning, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't want to avoid the truth but I also think that a bad number might just exacerbate the desire to throw in the towel.

Another thing that annoys me is that it's not like I was spending these extra calories on exciting restaurant meals, or anything memorable. I was just zoning out eating toast, muesli bars, and oatcakes with butter, because that's what I had in the house. What a stupid waste.

I really need to work on finding new ways to deal with anxiety and unpleasant emotions, but it's hard to kick the habits of a lifetime, and when I'm in the moment it's like I genuinely don't care that I'm ruining my diet/going to put on weight. I lose all perspective. Somehow I need to avoid getting to that point. God knows how.

Plan for the day
Breakfast - rye bread with goats cheese, tea
Lunch - salad with boiled eggs and anchovies
Dinner - stir fried fish with asian vegetables, brown rice
Snack - piece of fruit