On weigh-ins and hangovers

Dinner out on Wednesday was a mixed bag, diet wise. I did fairly well on the food front - it was an Asian restaurant so I managed to eat pretty healthy things like salads and steamed fish, and minimal rice, although I did pick at a dessert that really wasn't worth the calories. The wine front, however not so much, and I woke up with a bit of a hangover on Thursday. I think I would have been more sanguine about that but it wasn't even as though I had memories of a rollicking good time to make up for the hangover - truth be told I was pounding the wine at dinner because I wasn't having that great a time. I felt very much like I didn't belong, due to both my looks and my feeling of general disenchantment with life. I mentioned a while ago that I got made redundant from my job last year and I've been struggling to find a new job, or even an idea of what new job I want. My old friends from work have moved on to amazing things in amazing places, and I'm treading water. My friends here (and their friends, who I was with at the dinner) are in many ways very different people, and I feeling a bit like I don't have my tribe, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, so a hangover on Thursday meant dieting was particularly difficult. I desperately wanted to just eat piles of buttered toast and bacon - but I managed to resist, which I should really give myself some credit for.

I've been very apprehensive about weighing myself again. Last time I forced myself to do it in the hopes it would kick start my motivation but it just left me feeling utterly miserable and lacking in the will to do anything. Obviously once you start a diet though, you need that kind of feedback to keep going, so I bit the bullet and did it this morning - not too bad I guess - I'm the same weight I was last time, so although I feel disappointed I didn't magically defy the laws of physics and drop a few kilos, at least I've managed to maintain.

Another fast day today - planning on coffee with a splash of cream mid-morning; charred asparagus and boiled eggs for lunch; and Cajun prawns with vegetables for dinner.

Upswing

I'm a little reluctant to write about it since it seems such a fragile, delicate thing, but it seems like (touch wood, hushed voice) my motivation has returned. Magically, like that mysterious switch has been flicked on. I don't know if it was Lesley's pep talk or some freak of my psyche, but yesterday I did a fast day and managed quite well - I was definitely hungry and I did want to eat but it wasn't like that feeling where it's a permanent battle, requiring every single ounce of your mental energy, not to dive into buttered toast or cake etc. And I even had cake in the house! Granted, I'd eaten about 10 pieces in the previous two days, but I did freeze the remaining couple of pieces and they remained undisturbed in the freezer yesterday. I wasn't even tempted! 

Even more gratifyingly, I seem to be managing to count calories and stick to plan today, and I'm busy planning out meals for the week. This will be somewhat difficult as we have a lot on -a good friend who no longer lives here has come back for her wedding, so there are two dinners this week plus the wedding itself on Saturday. I'm hoping to just maintain some perspective. The meals out won't be on plan but I must remember that they won't ruin the diet; I must also not look at them as a chance to have a calorie free for all.

Anyway, plan for today was porridge with apple and pecan for breakfast (not particularly enjoyable to be honey - I decide to eat porridge maybe once every 5 months, and every time I do I remember why I don't eat porridge); smoked salmon and multigrain toast for lunch, and for dinner, steak with a raw zucchini, rocket, feta, and mint salad.

Once more into the breech

Well, here I go again. Not much has changed since the last post - not lost any weight, still feeling miserable. Part of the reason I haven't got back into the swing of things has been a full month of travel - part holiday, part work, part family visits - and I am one of those people who finds it inpossible to stick to a diet when I'm out of my routine. Not that I can blame it all on circumstance - there are certainly days I've been home and could have got myself into gear, and I sure didn't need to go so overboard at Easter. But that's par for the course really.

I tried to get back into it today with a fast day but fell off the wagon. At least a failed fast day is much, much better than a regular day. I just wish I could regain the motivation I had a few months ago. Honestly, I don't understand why it's such an elusive and mysterious thing. I want it just as badly as ever, but it's like there's a switch in my brain, and I have no control over when it goes on and off.

I don't even know what I should do now, to be honest. Calorie count tomorrow, then back to my regular fast day Monday? Fast tomorrow? I know I'm not in the right headspace but that seems to be admitting defeat. 

I don't know how on earth to get back into it, I just know that I have to.