Opposite Year

Although I'm not much of a one for resolutions, 2016 does seem to have found me in a slightly different frame of mind and with different preoccupations than 2015. Part of it I'm sure is the medication I've started taking. Not that I'm suddenly better, but I am sleeping properly again most nights, my brain fog has lifted a little, and I'm not curled up in a ball weeping twice a day. 

So I can see that I'm gradually getting back to a place where I'll be able to pay attention to weight loss, but feeling like I'm in an interim period where I literally can't focus on weight loss has been rather freeing. Everyone constantly tells you that you need to lose weight slowly for it to stick, but I've never quite been able to put that into practice because I've had so much panicky anxiety about weight - but the truth is, it hasn't gotten me anywhere, and I'm finally beginning to realise that. I find myself with a combination of desire to lose weight and resignation at my current size (I definitely would not go so far as to say acceptance) but without either the fuck-it mentality that sends me spiralling into binges, or the obsessive strict calorie counting mentality that is hard to maintain. For the last countless number of years I've gone on and off diets and always been focused on different goals of losing x amount of weight by x date. But it hasn't worked, so this year I'm doing the opposite. I'm hoping it will turn out like that episode of Seinfeld where George realises his instincts are terrible, starts doing the opposite of what he'd normally do, and things go absurdly well for him.

While I was home over Christmas my sister introduced me to these books/programs called "I quit sugar" by Sarah Wilson, who's one of those glossy haired long limbed aspirational healthy living types that make you want to slit your wrists. Anyway, she basically advocates eliminating all fructose from your diet (she allows certain other minimal sweeteners after 8 weeks) and replacing it with fat instead, which is more satisfying, and at which your brain is better at regulating fullness with. Sarah Wilson herself is not a scientist (I believe she used to be editor of Cosmpolitan magazine...) and she also advocates all sorts of other nonsense like Ayurvedic medicine, but I think her basic premise is sound, and it's what dietitians and those in the know seem to be advocating these days. (I remember reading an article in the NY times that also points to sugar but particularly fructose as a major culprit in obesity). So for the moment, that's all I'm doing - cutting out sugar (fruit included). It might not lead to weight loss on its own, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something for my health, it feels like a baby step on the way to more deliberate weight loss, and I'm hoping it will have the effect (which shiny and beautiful Sarah Wilson assures me it will) of helping me re-learn how to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Such a basic premise, but it's been way out of whack for me for years. 

The only foreseeable difficulty is that I have to travel to Thailand and Cambodia for work next week and won't have any control over what I'm eating, and Thai food is notoriously full of sugar. But I think I just have to accept it. After all, my new motto is slow and steady. I just have to keep reminding myself I'm not in any rush.

Breathing room

I've done nothing about my weight and the comfort eating (and corresponding girth expansion) continues apace. However, I bit the bullet and dragged myself to a doctor today. Burst into tears in her office and have come home gratefully clutching anti-depressants. She also wants me to start seeing a psychologist once the meds have kicked in and I'm feeling like more of a functioning human being again. I'm a bit ambivalent about that but we'll see next year.

So, my weight loss goals have resoundingly not been met and I have to accept going home for Christmas much larger than last year. It will be painful but if I'm being honest with myself I just don't see myself making any progress on that front until I've got out of this fug I'm in. Hopefully 2016 will be a little brighter.

End of year slump

Hello? Anybody out there?

I'm making my rather sheepish return after dropping off the face of the blogging universe. Partly it was due to my trip to America, but mostly it was indeed due to spectacular failure on the weight front, and consequent return of very very low mood.

I have so many things I want to get off my chest actually, but I don't know where to start.

I enjoyed my holiday up to a point, but the fact I was overweight, frankly, ruined a lot of it. I felt self conscious, miserable, disappointed, embarrassed. I felt horrible that we'd spend all this money on a great holiday and I wasn't enjoying myself because of how I looked. I felt really fucking jealous of all the thin people around me. I wasted hours in shops trying to find clothes that would make me feel better and looking longingly at all the nice clothes I would have bought if I'd been thinner. What a horrible waste. 

It wasn't all bad. We had some amazing meals, we saw some cool things (and geeked out with civil war battlefield visits) and caught up with old friends. But the fact is, I would have had a much more enjoyable holiday had I been thinner. 

Not that I did anything about that upon my return. I tried for a few days, but never managed to stay on plan for more than a day.  Then I had a rushed and stressful work trip and binged to make myself feel better, and that has continued ever since. I've put on a lot of weight, and can only fit into a few of my clothes. I'm going on a girls weekend way next week and I'm really not looking forward to it. Earlier in the year when we planned this I imagined myself thinner and happier, relaxing by the pool and shopping for nice clothes with my friends. Instead I'll be sweating in jeans and the few black stretchy clothes that fit me, and feeling horrible. 

And I'm dreading more than anything else going back home at Christmas and being bigger than ever before.

It's also more than just body anxiety at the moment. I'm lonely. I hate my job - it somehow manages to be a combination of boring and stressful, difficult and unfulfilling. I have to travel a lot and I've become cripplingly anxious about flying, especially since we always have to fly cheap airlines. I am depressed. But I'm reluctant to go and see a doctor because I'm afraid they'll bring up my weight.

I don't know what my plan is, really. I know, rationally speaking, that it's hard (or impossible) to make changes from a place of self loathing. I know I need to tackle my depression. But it all seems very overwhelming and impossible, and the only thing making me temporarily feel better is food, and the panic and revulsion I feel shortly afterwards is horrible but still not enough to motivate me to stop and pull myself together.

I have to travel again this week which is not good for healthy eating. Perhaps I can just try not to go overboard, and focus on getting a plan together when I'm back home next week.

Weekly check-in

Last Sunday I carefully planned out my meals and fast days for the week, and felt pretty smug about it, until about 4pm on Monday (my first fast day) I cracked for some unknown reason and basically stuffed my face. Due to lack of calories previously that day ended up at a reasonable calorie total but every day thereafter, no matter how well I started, ended in disaster. Looks like my motivation has disappeared whence it came, with no rhyme or reason. And it's so frustrating because every night I'm angry with myself and upset, every morning, I'm resolved, and it just dissipates entirely. I can't even blame PMS.

I weighed myself this morning (which I guess is worth considering a victory in itself) and I put on 2 pounds. I'll now have to lose 11 pounds in 3 weeks to meet my very modest, un-ambitious weight loss goal for the US trip. Sigh.

Today unfortunately I have both lunch and dinner plans. Tomorrow I'll have to begin again. Again. 

Weekly update

My weigh-in this morning indicates I'm down a measly 0.8 pounds! I'm quite disappointed by this, even though I know weight loss isn't linear. I was hoping my blow-out of a day last Sunday wasn't too detrimental, especially as I'd been really good the rest of the week, but alas, it was not to be. I need to start being more careful about what I eat on meals out. To be honest, I'd probably be more ok with this if it weren't for the looming holiday. Then after that it will be the trip home to see family at Christmas... I know the pressure is self imposed but these artificial deadlines do make me more anxious to lose weight faster. I'm hoping next week to get a solid 2 pound loss at least.

I'm going out to dinner tonight but hopefully it won't be too damaging. We were going to do Japanese food which is pretty good diet-wise (although not really low-carb wise) but my friend has hurt her ankle so it might end up being takeaway at her house instead. H is away for the weekend which historically has (a) made it much easier to stay on plan or (b) led to horrific binges, depending on my mood. Hopefully the former, this time. Next week I have a lunch out but no other social engagements. I'm hoping to do 2 fast days (strictly, this time, since I've gone a couple of hundred calories over in my last attempts). 

As for the diet plan, if anyone's interested, I've decided on moderately low carb - I'm not restricting any fruits or vegetables or legumes, while steering clear of bread/rice/pasta/potatoes for the most part but not worrying too much when I'm eating out. I might introduce the occasional low GI carb (farro, polenta, etc) sometimes too. I'm also making sure my meals have a good amount of fat, as I've become convinced that it's necessary for satiety and fending off that horrible diet deprivation feeling. Seems to be working well enough so far.

Progress of a sort

On Saturday I finally got back to the weight I was more than a month ago, before my tumble off the wagon. I felt pretty good about that, and only had to tamp down a moderate amount of annoyance at myself for backsliding in the first place. But then yesterday we had plans to go out for both lunch and dinner and I didn't do too well at either of them. Waaay too many carbs and calories.

I'm trying hard to just draw a line under it and move on, because I know, I KNOW, it's so hard to do well if I'm too busy hating myself. Counterintuitive though it may be, it really is easier to make changes if I'm happy enough with myself already.

Goals for the week - 1 fast day, and no self-loathing, and much positive thinking. 

Adrift

I feel a bit lost at the moment. I've been trucking along in a very inconsistent fashion. Some days, especially on social occasions, I go way over calories. Other days I'm counting. I tried to do a fast day on Monday but didn't quite manage to stick to 500, and got to 720 calories instead.

I did weigh myself last week and I was down 6 pounds which makes me think the previous weigh in was a bit of an anomaly due to water weight or something. So it's not as bad as I thought, but still 4 pounds up which is annoying.

I just can't seem to get into a groove. I keep changing my mind about whether I should do low carb or not, and if so, how strictly, and how many calories I should be aiming for, or if I should even count calories at all. Or only count some of the time, as I've done this week.

I'm also torn between wanting to be really strict and knuckle down before my US holiday (6 weeks away) or try to be more moderate and avoid a sudden crash and burn loss of momentum.

I'm weighing myself next on Saturday so I guess I'll reassess then.

I've written here before about not really feeling like I've found my people. I have friends here, but the people I'm closest to and I like the best all live in other cities. It's lonely. And it's been particularly obvious of late because my friends here have become obsessed with health and fitness and weight loss. One girl, formerly a size 8, now size 4-6, talks constantly about it with our other 2 friends, size 4 and 6 respectively. I can't really join in the conversation because I don't go to their exercise classes and I feel too embarrassed to discuss weight (one admitted recently to another that she used to weigh herself 2-3 times a day. I also do not want to be reminded of that kind of disordered obsession which has never helped me in the past). And I would find such discussion tedious in the extreme at the best of times, but when I'm sitting near them a size 16-18, it's also so fucking awkward! They don't tend to include me in the conversation which I don't if it feels better or worse, but either way, hanging out with them recently has been both highly embarrassing and highly boring.

Maybe I need new friends.