Although I'm not much of a one for resolutions, 2016 does seem to have found me in a slightly different frame of mind and with different preoccupations than 2015. Part of it I'm sure is the medication I've started taking. Not that I'm suddenly better, but I am sleeping properly again most nights, my brain fog has lifted a little, and I'm not curled up in a ball weeping twice a day.
So I can see that I'm gradually getting back to a place where I'll be able to pay attention to weight loss, but feeling like I'm in an interim period where I literally can't focus on weight loss has been rather freeing. Everyone constantly tells you that you need to lose weight slowly for it to stick, but I've never quite been able to put that into practice because I've had so much panicky anxiety about weight - but the truth is, it hasn't gotten me anywhere, and I'm finally beginning to realise that. I find myself with a combination of desire to lose weight and resignation at my current size (I definitely would not go so far as to say acceptance) but without either the fuck-it mentality that sends me spiralling into binges, or the obsessive strict calorie counting mentality that is hard to maintain. For the last countless number of years I've gone on and off diets and always been focused on different goals of losing x amount of weight by x date. But it hasn't worked, so this year I'm doing the opposite. I'm hoping it will turn out like that episode of Seinfeld where George realises his instincts are terrible, starts doing the opposite of what he'd normally do, and things go absurdly well for him.
While I was home over Christmas my sister introduced me to these books/programs called "I quit sugar" by Sarah Wilson, who's one of those glossy haired long limbed aspirational healthy living types that make you want to slit your wrists. Anyway, she basically advocates eliminating all fructose from your diet (she allows certain other minimal sweeteners after 8 weeks) and replacing it with fat instead, which is more satisfying, and at which your brain is better at regulating fullness with. Sarah Wilson herself is not a scientist (I believe she used to be editor of Cosmpolitan magazine...) and she also advocates all sorts of other nonsense like Ayurvedic medicine, but I think her basic premise is sound, and it's what dietitians and those in the know seem to be advocating these days. (I remember reading an article in the NY times that also points to sugar but particularly fructose as a major culprit in obesity). So for the moment, that's all I'm doing - cutting out sugar (fruit included). It might not lead to weight loss on its own, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something for my health, it feels like a baby step on the way to more deliberate weight loss, and I'm hoping it will have the effect (which shiny and beautiful Sarah Wilson assures me it will) of helping me re-learn how to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Such a basic premise, but it's been way out of whack for me for years.
The only foreseeable difficulty is that I have to travel to Thailand and Cambodia for work next week and won't have any control over what I'm eating, and Thai food is notoriously full of sugar. But I think I just have to accept it. After all, my new motto is slow and steady. I just have to keep reminding myself I'm not in any rush.
