Hello? Anybody out there?
I'm making my rather sheepish return after dropping off the face of the blogging universe. Partly it was due to my trip to America, but mostly it was indeed due to spectacular failure on the weight front, and consequent return of very very low mood.
I have so many things I want to get off my chest actually, but I don't know where to start.
I enjoyed my holiday up to a point, but the fact I was overweight, frankly, ruined a lot of it. I felt self conscious, miserable, disappointed, embarrassed. I felt horrible that we'd spend all this money on a great holiday and I wasn't enjoying myself because of how I looked. I felt really fucking jealous of all the thin people around me. I wasted hours in shops trying to find clothes that would make me feel better and looking longingly at all the nice clothes I would have bought if I'd been thinner. What a horrible waste.
It wasn't all bad. We had some amazing meals, we saw some cool things (and geeked out with civil war battlefield visits) and caught up with old friends. But the fact is, I would have had a much more enjoyable holiday had I been thinner.
Not that I did anything about that upon my return. I tried for a few days, but never managed to stay on plan for more than a day. Then I had a rushed and stressful work trip and binged to make myself feel better, and that has continued ever since. I've put on a lot of weight, and can only fit into a few of my clothes. I'm going on a girls weekend way next week and I'm really not looking forward to it. Earlier in the year when we planned this I imagined myself thinner and happier, relaxing by the pool and shopping for nice clothes with my friends. Instead I'll be sweating in jeans and the few black stretchy clothes that fit me, and feeling horrible.
And I'm dreading more than anything else going back home at Christmas and being bigger than ever before.
It's also more than just body anxiety at the moment. I'm lonely. I hate my job - it somehow manages to be a combination of boring and stressful, difficult and unfulfilling. I have to travel a lot and I've become cripplingly anxious about flying, especially since we always have to fly cheap airlines. I am depressed. But I'm reluctant to go and see a doctor because I'm afraid they'll bring up my weight.
I don't know what my plan is, really. I know, rationally speaking, that it's hard (or impossible) to make changes from a place of self loathing. I know I need to tackle my depression. But it all seems very overwhelming and impossible, and the only thing making me temporarily feel better is food, and the panic and revulsion I feel shortly afterwards is horrible but still not enough to motivate me to stop and pull myself together.
I have to travel again this week which is not good for healthy eating. Perhaps I can just try not to go overboard, and focus on getting a plan together when I'm back home next week.
