Back(ish)

Motivation, where have you gone??

In Thailand last week I did not remotely stick to the diet. Then when I got back on Monday feeling tired and unwell and grumpy I ended up eating pasta and cake for dinner. I planned to ease my way back into the diet by eating low carb on Tuesday and not worrying about calories, and I just about managed it by the skin of my teeth. But then yesterday felt even harder, and I ate a huge amount of tortilla chips plus way too many calories. And it wasn't like I just said "fuck it" and threw in the towel - it was SO. HARD. yesterday. It's a miracle I didn't eat my way through my entire fridge and pantry.

Low carb food doesn't sound appealing, I can't be bothered cooking, I can't summon enthusiasm for meal planning, I don't want to go grocery shopping, nothing is particularly inspiring. In short, the diet gods are not smiling on me this week. Perhaps partly it's hormonal, partly it's stress/general discontent, but whatever the reason I need to just get over it.

Anyway, on that sunny note, plan for today is smoked salmon for breakfast, chicken and cashew stir fry for dinner, and who knows what for lunch. I think I have to force myself to the supermarket and find something that looks easy and reasonably healthy. And just hope that little motivation switch in my brain comes back online shortly.

Tired

Fear not, I've not fallen off the wagon or anything, but I do feel quite tired - physically and emotionally - which is making dieting a little harder.

I'm quite stressed about work this week as I have to give some presentations at a big meeting, and I'm worried about both having a good enough grasp on the concepts and also the presentation itself, as I detest public speaking.

My in-laws came to stay with us on the weekend, and although they are (mostly) well-meaning, good god they are hard going company. Their main takeaways from a 6 week European trip were about all the little mishaps that they encountered, and boring minutiae from the lives of other people they met on their cruise. Add to that the fact that my mother in law just never, ever, ever, stops talking, and this  mild-mannered introvert was at the end of her tether by Sunday night. Luckily H also finds them a bit trying and doesn't mind if I vent a little, and encouraged me to go and seek quiet when I could.

Anyway, they've gone now, but I've woken up with a terrible cold, and dieting, while it doesn't seem impossible, just seems like a giant pain. I'm staying on track (and actually did quite well over the weekend) but for now I've ditched my 2 fast days. I think I'll probably reintroduce them as they do speed up weight loss and I think I need them to compensate for meals out, but this week and probably next week I'm giving myself a break.

I don't know how the low carb thing will go with work travel - most food is provided, and there'll be limited options elsewhere, so I think I just have to do my best but not beat myself up if I eat some noodles some days. I'll try to just focus on keeping calories down.

Patience

I've been doing pretty well this week. Our holiday for the wedding had some nice parts but was predictably, horrifically, anxiety inducing when it came to dressing up, being photographed, and generally just being out in the world as a fat person every day. I don't think I realised how much I hate just being in public. I mainly work from home and so can usually avoid being out much, apart from forays to quiet streets to walk the dog. I hate being out and having to deal with choosing an outfit and feeling self conscious, because feeling self conscious is basically my default mode.

Anyway, luckily I managed not to backslide despite not staying remotely on plan on holidays. I've done well this week, and I've lost 10 pounds in the last 5 weeks. I know objectively this is a good result, but the fact is, it's also not noticeable at all. My clothes are still tight, nothing looks good. I know I just have to keep the faith, but I would love to have a bit of a boost right now. I guess with the amount of weight I have to lose - 50 more pounds to get back to a healthy weight category - it's going to take a lot before I see a change.